a brief chat with a car commercial

but... i do not want to drive over an icy mountain

[timeout in the game I’m watching, cut to commercial]

HEY

excuse me

DO YOU WANT TO DRIVE OVER A MOUNTAIN

what

YOU CAN

but i don’t w-

YOU CAN DRIVE OVER A MOUNTAIN

why

BECAUSE OF FREEDOM

what

AMERICA

i just want a car that goes to the store

WHAT IF THERE IS A MOUNTAIN BETWEEN YOU AND THE STORE

there isn’t 

THERE COULD BE 

wait is that a Kia

KIAS CAN DRIVE OVER MOUNTAINS

well we’ll just have to disagree on th-

HEY

hold on

DRIVE UNDER A WATERFALL

i feel like you’re not grasping what i want from a car

SOARING BALD EAGLES PLAYING ELECTRIC GUITARS

let’s try this: what is it you think i do for a living

ADVENTURE ENTHUSIAST 

i… i don’t even think that’s a career

CHARACTER PLAYED BY HARRISON FORD

buddy i’m just a writer who does little blogs about tv sh-

YOU CAN BLOG ON A MOUNTAIN

i don’t even think they have wi-fi up th-

HEY

[sighs]

YOU CAN DRIVE ACROSS A GLACIER

i’d rather not

FOUR-WHEEL DRIVE

what if i get stuck out there 

YOU WON’T 

but what if i run out of gas or get a flat tire

YOU CAN BUILD AN IGLOO

what

START A NEW CIVILIZATION 

i just want a car that will get to the Target

DO YOU NEED TO FORGE A RIVER TO GET TO THE TARGET

no i just go through t-

YOU CAN

i think you’re confusing “can” with “want to”

BOB SEGER

what

HEY

jesus christ 

LET’S GO TO THE GRAND CANYON

no

$43,000

…

COMPETITIVE LEASING OPTIONS

how long is this commerci-

A MAN WITH A MUSTACHE EATING STEAK WITH HIS BARE HANDS

look all i really need is a car that gets around town and heats up fast when it is cold outsi-

IF YOU ARE COLD YOU CAN DRIVE THROUGH THE DESERT

for the love of god

STUFF I TYPED

— Fargo wrapped up its fifth season and I did a power ranking of the characters, surviving and otherwise, and yes, John Sasquatch is in there

— my weekly Rundown column, which opens with a plea to put Walton Goggins in every show and closes with controversy in the competition for World’s Oldest Dog

STUFF I CLICKED ON

— I do not care about Radiohead but my colleague Steven Hyden does and writes beautifully about them

— Jason Tabrys interviewed Eric Andre about anxiety and comedy and jizz cannons

— Liz Shannon Miller ranked the seasons of Fargo (correctly) and made me think about Nikki Swango again, which was nice 

— another winter storm in Pennsylvania this week had weather geeks fired up about black ice and that’s all the excuse I need to post this classic Key & Peele sketch

— the Pittsburgh Pirates have signed a 16-year-old named Iverson Allen, who is now my favorite baseball player in the world 

— JEOPARDY DORK FIGHT

— Amazon is the undisputed king of Dad TV

— this story — headline: “Nuggets star Nikola Jokic drank beer and ate 50-cent wings at McGillin's after losing to the Sixers” — is cool both because my beloved Sixers won that game but also because I used to do karaoke at that bar (yes, I know, now you’re wondering: “Suspicious Minds” by Elvis Presley was my go-to because you can skate by with a C+ Elvis impression if you have enough charisma to get the crowd to do the “… with suspicious minds” backup vocals for you, and “skating by with a C+ effort covered up with charisma” is basically the story of my life)

— turns out “how How I Met Your Mother star Josh Radnor met his wife” is weirder than anything that happened on the show where a guy voiced by Bob Saget explained the various sexual conquests of his 20s and 30s to his children, as evidenced by passages like this from the incredible NYT story about their relationship

— TOADZILLA

— every now and then I like to reread one of my favorite things ever written: John Jeremiah Sullivan’s essay about getting high at Disney World

— it’s always fun to explain to someone that there was a song on the soundtrack to the Godzilla movie from the 1990s that was just the regular song “Brain Stew” by Green Day but with Godzilla roars interspersed almost at random, and yes, I got to do exactly that once again this week

Okay, that’s all I got. Please click on those links and share the whole blog and tell your friends — only the cool ones — to subscribe.