… and that brings the score to 8-3. It looks like that’ll be it for Brock Norway. Another tough outing for the lefty. We’ll step away during this call to the bullpen and be back after a word from our sponsors…
Hello!
Uh, hi.
Do you like parties??!!
… kind of?
Look at how happy these people are!
I mean, they do look happy, I guess.
He’s smiling!
Okay…
She is smiling!
Right…
Do you like smiling???!’
I think everyone likes sm-
You could be smiling!
What is this commercial even for?
They’re at a wedding!
I see that.
They’re dancing and smiling at the wedding!!!!
I don’t think you heard me. I asked what this commercial is f-
YOU COULD BE SMILING AND DANCING AT A WEDDING
I get that.
But wait!
Here we go.
Look at this poor guy sitting at the table by himself!
He looks like hell. Is he dying?
He has moderate to severe acid reflux!
Okay.
That’s why he’s not dancing and smiling!
Are you sure? What if he just wants to go h-
You should ask your doctor about Plorpivan!
Does it treat moderate to severe acid reflux?
Probably!
I don’t have moderate to severe acid reflu-
EVERYONE IS DANCING BUT HIM
What are you implying? That everyone else but this shlub is taking Plorpivan?
THEY COULD BE
But his acid reflux is so severe that it’s preventing him from dancing at a wedding?
It’s the saddest story anyone has ever told!
Why isn’t anyone over there checking on him? Aren’t they worried about their fr-
UH OH, HERE COMES THE BRIDE AND GROOM!
Wait…
AWWW THEY’RE DOING CHOREOGRAPHY!
I take it they don’t have moderate to severe acid ref-
BUT WAIT
Jesus Christ.
LOOK WHO IT IS
Lemme guess.
HE’S NOT AT THE TABLE ALONE ANYMORE
Hold on. What are you implying here?
HE TALKED TO HIS DOCTOR ABOUT PLORPIVAN
I get that. But… when? Just now? At the wedding? Is the doctor there? When did he even have time to fill the prescript-
HE’S IN THE CONGA LINE
Did one of the guests just give him their prescription medicati-
MAYBE IT’S AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE HE TALKED TO HIS DOCTOR BEFORE THE WEDDING
Oh, we’re doing alternate univ-
[whispering] Plorpivan may cause blood clots
Hold on
Do not take Plorpivan if you are allergic to Plorpivan
Am… am I allergic to Plorpivan?
WHOA HE’S DANCING WITH THE BRIDE!!!
Wait. He was the bride’s father this whole t-
[whispering again] If you develop bloody stool after taking Plorpivan, please talk to your doctor
… well, yeah. I would probably do that anyway. But I’m still confused an-
CHAMPAGNE TOAST TIME! AND CAKE! OH, AN ICE CREAM BAR!
Is he allowed to mix alcohol with Plorpiv-
[whispering again] Do not take Plorpivan with alcohol or dairy
Of course
ASK YOUR DOCTOR
I’ll think about it.
UNLESS YOU WANT TO RUIN YOUR DAUGHTER’S WEDDING
I don’t even have a d-
IT’S ELECTRIC! BOOGIE WOOGIE WOOGIE!
What?
THE DJ IS PLAYING THE ELECTRIC SLIDE!
How long is this commerc-
PLORPIVAN
… and we’re back. Looks like the manager went for another lefty, Tito Lancelot. He comes in with runners on second and third and the top of the order coming up…
Thank god.
This is the thing where I pitch you on subscribing and especially upgrading. I really enjoy doing this newsletter. I hope you enjoy reading it. If you do, please consider smashing the button below and supporting me so I can keep doing it.
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STUFF I CLICKED ON
— good interview with James Gunn as he prepares to kick off a new Superman franchise
— Josh Gondelman investigated an important subject: Why do dads stand up to watch TV?
— I couldn’t get into the new Jon Hamm show or the new movie from the creator of Succession — I wanted to! — and Saloni Gajjar just about nailed why
— Matt Gelb wrote about Zack Wheeler, a great pitcher who scares me and apparently eats like a child
— I must eat at the members-only fried chicken club
— Vince Mancini is as surprised as I am that the new Naked Gun movie looks good, and yet!
— fighting tips from the stunt coordinator of Ballerina
— Bill Hanstock learned something new about Steamed Hams
— Sarah Marrs on all this Sabrina Carpenter business
— Matthew McConaughey is… Mike Hammer!
— Tony Reali has returned (kind of) after the cancellation of Around the Horn
— learned about an ancient Chinese warlord
— “The Confused Aunt’s Guide to Labubu”
— my favorite part of this interview is the section where this young man learns Ryan Gosling and Keri Russell were on The Mickey Mouse Club
— “Mule-riding Kentucky man accused of unleashing raccoon in bar after being turned away”
— Google has a (literal) fox problem
— periodic reminder to watch TV with the captions on
Okay, that’s it for this week. Please share and subscribe and do not conga with moderate to severe acid reflux.
plorpivan killed my wife
After hearing scuffling sounds in my attic, landlord attached a camera to the top of the chimney and recorded the usual suspects cavorting on the roof -- squirrels, raccoons -- but also a fox! Coincidence? I think not.