A Pennsylvania Resident's Take On The Upcoming Hershey Chocolate Movie

ALSO THIS WEEK: Nic Cage's contraband dinosaur skull and a celebrity space crisis

The Five Spot is a weekly Friday roundup where I rank and riff on my five favorite things from the week. Most of the entries will be about film and TV, but there might also be ones about weird local news or sandwiches I ate or anything else, really. The opening section is free but the rest is an exclusive for paid subscribers, so if you want to read the top four entries, you can do that by upgrading…

Off we go.

FIVE: Chocolate movie

Notes on the recently announced Hershey chocolate movie, in no particular order, from me, a lifelong resident of Pennsylvania…

• Kathryn Hahn is not in the movie

• I realize that screencap above might have confused you

• That screencap is from the show The Studio, which co-stars Kathryn Hahn as a Hollywood marketing executive who, in this scene, is very excited about her boss landing the rights to a Kool-Aid movie where, ideally, the Kool-Aid IP will be used to create a movie where the Kool-Aid man saves the world or learns a valuable lesson or something

• The screencap is even more confusing because this isn’t “a Hershey chocolate movie” in the sense that like a dozen anthropomorphic Hershey Kisses team up to take down a villain who wants to dilute the classic chocolate recipe and parkour themselves into the factory to stop him

• Although, as much as I don’t love admitting it, I suspect I would watch that movie on a streaming service some rainy weekend

• No, this movie is a biopic about Milton Hershey and his wife, Kitty, who used the chocolate fortune they amassed for charitable works, like starting a school that offered free education and housing to orphans and other underprivileged children

• The movie is from Mean Girls director Mark Waters and will star Finn Wittrock as Milton and Alexandra Daddario as Kitty

• One time, a few years ago, I called Finn Wittrock “Winn Fittrock” as a goof but now I have to stop and think which one is his real name every time I type it out, so, in the long run, I guess the goof was on me

• Honestly, I just used that screencap to talk about how great Kathryn Hahn is in The Studio and figured this was as good a way to do that as any

• She really is great

• Maybe she could voice one of the anthropomorphic parkour Kisses in that movie that I joked about that doesn’t exist

• Something to consider

• For those of you who are unfamiliar with Pennsylvania geography or chocolate lore, there actually is a town in the state named Hershey that is home to the company’s base of operations as well as an amusement park

• I have been to Hershey quite literally dozens of times

• It’s a nice town

• There are worse legacies to have than building a candy empire and using your fortune to fund charities and build roller coasters

• There is a hockey team called the Hershey Bears

• I have been to exactly one hockey game in my life

• It was a Hershey Bears game I went to with my church youth group when I was in junior high

• I swear to god, a full-on hockey brawl broke out on the ice the instant the referee dropped the puck

• It was awesome

• They should put that in this movie

• The hockey fight

• And Kathryn Hahn as an anthropomorphic Hershey Kiss that does parkour

This represents the sum of my opinions on the new Hershey chocolate movie.

FOUR: I do not have time to go to space, Gayle King