audiobook narrators should not be allowed to do the voices

STOP IT

STOP

PLEASE

DO NOT DO THE VOICES

I HATE IT

I AM JUST TRYING TO LISTEN TO A LITTLE MYSTERY AT BEDTIME

I HAVE THE PHONE SITTING NEXT TO MY HEAD

I AM TRYING TO RELAX

IT’S BEEN A STRESSFUL WEEK

JUST READ THE BOOK

NORMALLY

THIS IS NOT A ONE MAN SHOW

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO A LADY VOICE FOR EVERY FEMALE CHARACTER

IT SOUNDS WEIRD

SOMETIMES I AM ALMOST ASLEEP WHEN YOU DO IT

[FANCY LADY VOICE] OOOO THERE HAS BEEN A MURDER

NO

IT MAKES ME SO MAD

AND I FORGET TO GO TO SLEEP

TWO IN THE MORNING AND I’M STEAMING

IT WON’T DO

SOME OF THIS IS ON ME, I SUPPOSE

MAYBE I SHOULDN’T BE LISTENING TO MURDER BOOKS WHEN I AM TRYING TO SLEEP

SOMETIMES I FALL ASLEEP WHEN IT IS PLAYING AND THE STORY SNEAKS INTO MY DREAMS

THEN I AM INVESTIGATING A MURDER

ONE TIME DMX SHOWED UP TO HELP ME

NOW THERE’S A GUY WHO COULD HAVE NARRATED THE HECK OUT OF AN AUDIOBOOK

DMX READING THE GREAT GATSBY

HE WOULDN’T HAVE DONE THE VOICES

MAYBE HE WOULD HAVE

THIS IS THE ONE EXCEPTION I WOULD HAVE MADE

DMX COULD HAVE DONE THE VOICES WHEN NARRATING AN AUDIOBOOK

NO ONE ELSE THOUGH

ENOUGH

STOP IT

WITH THE VOICES

STUFF I TYPED

— Vulture let me write about Angela Bassett, who is giving us the full Angela Bassett every week on 9-1-1 even though she does not have to

— my weekly Five Spot newsletter, which has no paywall this week because everyone needed a break to read about the saga of the stolen ruby red slippers

— an update to our previous coverage: this week on Doctor Odyssey, Margo Martindale appeared as the mother of the bride on a wedding cruise and the whole thing got derailed because the philanderous groom freaked out and jumped overboard in his tuxedo and then Joshua Jackson and the two other members of his medical team dealt with this tragic suicide by eating the wedding cake and drinking the champagne that was supposed to be used at the reception and having a threesome on network television, and also Margo said this, which I screencapped immediately

STUFF I CLICKED ON

— Quincy Jones died, which was sad, but it did give me a reminder to re-read the wild interview he did a few years ago

— good blog about basketball and toilets

— good blog about elephants taking showers 

— Cristin Milioti talked about how awesome she is on The Penguin as a psychotic mafia princess 

— someone in the TV subreddit posted this video from the show Patriot and it reminded me to start another Patriot rewatch, which is important to do every now and then 

— Mark Zuckerberg’s latest AI plan has been thwarted by bees 

— the Swifties have left Twitter for Bluesky

— so has Flavor Flav

— pet python found at Chili’s

— four raccoons escaped from a zoo in England

— “Pet Pig Breaks Into Garage, Gets 'So Drunk' on Owner's Beer”

— “TGI Fridays is worried it won’t have enough cash if customers redeem $50 million in outstanding gift cards that don’t expire”

— Anna Kendrick is doing a little victory lap

— how Neon marketed Longlegs to make it a big hit

— I have watched the Saquon Barkley reverse hurdle maybe 600 times in the last seven days

— go birds

— congratulation to the pumpkin paddler

Okay, that’s it for this week. Please share and subscribe and do not do the voices.