i almost knocked over another mannequin

bonk

It’s chaos out there, man. Already, right now, in November, before Thanksgiving and the ensuing Christmas madness even kicks in for real. People are flying around and stores are starting to jam every available inch of their sales floors with stuff you might want to buy. Things get crowded and corners get tight and… I don’t know why I’m still writing this intro paragraph. You read the headline already. I almost knocked over a mannequin in The Gap. 

Let me explain. 

I was buzzing around the store looking at hoodies and comfy pajama pants (working from home is lovely), and I tried to wiggle my wheelchair between two racks of clothes and my back wheels spun around and donked the base of a mannequin. The mannequin teetered and wobbled a little toward a shelf of reasonably priced sweaters. I really thought it was going down. So did one of the ladies who works at The Gap, apparently. She had pretty much exactly the look of panic in her eyes you would expect from a situation like “oh crap, a dude in a power wheelchair just clonked into that mannequin pretty hard and I might have to do something about it.” It was kind of hilarious. I don’t know why I find that stuff so funny, people getting all panicky and awkward around the Wheelchair Guy. But I really do. A little treat for Brian.

The best part of this story is that — if the mannequin had gone down and tumbled into that shelf of sweaters — it wouldn’t have been the first time I knocked over a mannequin. It wouldn’t even have been the first time I did it at The Gap. I did it at another Gap in a completely different mall in like 2009. Just clipped it with my back wheels and sent it blank-face-first into a display near the window. I couldn’t even blame that one on Christmas clutter either. That was just a very pure mixture of clumsiness and negligence.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about it a lot this week and I kind of wish this second mannequin had fallen all the way over, too, if only because it’s fun to picture a guy who works in the corporate offices of The Gap whose title is like Head of Mannequins and is responsible for investigating all mannequin-related incidents at Gaps across the country. I imagined him showing up at my door this week to give me the whole “I remembered you… from my list” routine like Bookman the Library Cop from Seinfeld. Basically this, but replace Jerry Seinfeld with me in the aforementioned hoodie and comfy pajama pants.

Two notes in conclusion:

• You should come shopping with me sometime — the mall, the grocery store, anywhere — to see the incredible customer service I get

• I almost accidentally stole a bottle of hand soap from JC Penney because I forgot it was in my lap when I was leaving and my wheelchair sets off most security sensors by itself so everyone is always like “It’s okay, baby” and waves me through without checking my bags

I am a menace. 

STUFF I TYPED

— this is a 1400-word post about the years-long mystery of a stolen solid gold toilet, which is my favorite thing in the whole entire world to talk about

— an explainer about the increasingly funny Coyote Vs. Acme situation, which is almost definitely the first time a big-deal Hollywood CEO might get dragged in front of Congress to explain the business practices related to a movie about a cartoon coyote trying to murder a cartoon bird with a rocket

— my weekly Rundown column, with sections on a final cameo and f-bomb on Bosch making me cry a little, Pluto TV’s new 24/7 car chase channel, a horse loose on an airplane, and more

STUFF I CLICKED ON

— an oral history of the Washington’s Dream sketch SNL did the other week, which still cracks me up

— my colleague Mike Ryan interviewed Taika Waititi, which is cool

— here’s an excerpt from my buddy Alan’s new book about The O.C., which would make a great Chrismakkuh gift for your loved ones

— please clear out some time to watch Pablo Torre interview Action Bronson 

— I just saw this piece that Sam Adams wrote in March about the end of Peak TV and the new era of Trough TV, but it’s really good

— a big blog about my beloved Philadelphia Eagles and their unstoppable Tush Push play

— my old boss Keith Phipps wrote a great thing about assassins in movies 

— there is very little in the entire media industry cooler than the ongoing success of Defector, and their yearly transparent look at how they make it work is always worth a read

—- there was a lion just wandering around a town in Italy for a while

— champagne heist

Okay, have a nice week. Please smash those various likes and subscribes and tell all your friends to do the same.