I am so freaking excited for 'Love Hurts'

every movie can use a little Marshawn Lynch

What am I looking for in a movie? Glad you asked. A few things, I suppose. I love a talented cast, maybe with a few Oscar winners out there having some fun. I’ve never said no to a movie where a person with a mysterious past has to return to his or her dangerous roots for one last job. Lots of action scenes where our hero uses household items to fight off goons. A big summer release is great but maybe something in the dead of winter, too, when leaving the house takes effort and having a destination in mind helps. It would be nice if it’s the kind of movie where a character says the title in the trailer. Maybe there’s a charismatic former Pro Bowl running back in there in a supporting role as one of the aforementioned goons. You know, something along those lines.

All of which is why I remain just very, very excited about the upcoming film Love Hurts. I have been excited about it ever since I saw this trailer last fall. I am even more excited now that the movie is a few weeks from hitting theaters and the commercials for it are running five or six times during every football playoff weekend. Watch the trailer again right now. Look at Ke Huy Quan whoop on people. Look at Ariana DeBose in those flowing jackets. Look at the full plot description and remember that this comes from the same people who made Nobody, another perfect movie that checks off most of the items I listed in my opening paragraph.

Quan stars as Marvin Gable, a realtor working the Milwaukee suburbs, where ‘For Sale’ signs bloom. Gable receives a crimson envelope from Rose, a former partner-in-crime that he had left for dead. She’s not happy.

Now, Marvin is thrust back into a world of ruthless hitmen, filled with double-crosses and open houses turned into deadly warzones. With his brother Knuckles, a volatile crime lord, hunting him, Marvin must confront the choices that haunt him and the history he never truly buried.

Right?

Right???

RIGHT???

See, now this is how you do a movie. On paper, at least. I suppose there’s still a chance it could disappoint. There’s always that chance. But there’s just so much going for this one that I’m reserving the right to be excited about it. Did I mention that, according to the cast list, the villain in the movie is played by Daniel Wu and named Knuckles? Because that feels important. As does the fact that the runtime checks in at a speedy 83 minutes. As does the fact that, as I alluded to earlier, one of the goons employed by Knuckles is played by former Pro Bowl running back Marshawn Lynch.

God, this is good. This is so good. I have been banging the “Marshawn Lynch is a freaking star” drum ever since I saw him steal a bunch of scenes in Bottoms, a delightfully weird movie I adored. He is going to be so good in this. I have never doubted anything less. Marshawn Lynch might be better at playing a henchman in a fun action movie than he was at playing running back in the NFL, which is saying something because he was so good at doing that, too. I need 8-10 episodes of a streaming television series where he and Vanessa Bayer solve a murder together. Peacock, are you listening to me? For the love of god. FOCUS, PEACOCK. I need you locked in here. I’m trying to help both of us.

For now, though, let’s control what we can control. Let’s circle February 7 on our calendars. We know how these things work. We need to get out and go see movies like this on their opening weekend or else they’ll be labeled disappointments and then we just won’t get them anymore on a big screen. Remember The Fall Guy? Remember how angry I was about that? Please do not do this to me again.

So make a plan now. This movie comes out Super Bowl weekend. It looks fun. Hopefully, it will be fun, and we’ll get a better idea of that when the reviews start hitting. You can see it on Saturday before the big game on Sunday or go see it on Sunday as counter-programming if you don’t like football or if your favorite team lost and you are too hurt to see anyone else succeed.

You have options. Most of them involve Ke Huy Quan kicking people. Could be worse.

STUFF I TYPED

HOUSEKEEPING NOTE: If you’re wondering why you received my Sunday newsletter on a Tuesday, it’s because I’m moving to a Tuesday/Friday publishing schedule from now on. You’ll still get two blogs per week — freebie on Tuesday, paid on Friday — but now I won’t have to type on Saturdays. There may be some other changes brewing, too. But we’ll get to those soon enough.

— I am doing weekly blogs about this season of Severance for Vulture and my first one covered many important topics including how hopefully lost I would get inside the Lumon building

— my Friday newsletter, which opens with an extended bit about Neil deGrasse Tyson losing on Celebrity Jeopardy because he whiffed on a clue about the Muppets

STUFF I CLICKED ON

— what it was like to ask David Lynch a question

— yes, that was Keanu doing the voiceover in the Severance season two premiere

— Amanda Mull with a great blog about Abercrombie and Barnes & Noble making comebacks by hiring leaders who actually understand their business

— on the other hand lol Walgreens

— every Eagles fan loves the team but kind of hates head coach Nick Sirianni, which made this blog about how much the players love him a nice change of pace

— screw it, 31 minutes of Eagles highlights

— tree frogs being dope as hell

— look at this crab

— hard to imagine losing a rap battle so bad that you’re out here filing lawsuits about it a few weeks before your adversary performs at the Super Bowl

— New Mexico let its citizens choose names for the state’s 12 snow plows and the winners sure did not disappoint

— good for Conan

— every episode of Joe Pera Talks With You is available for free on the Adult Swim website, if you’re looking for something peaceful and soothing to watch

— rats on drugs

— a big time French chef is at war with the Michelin people over soufflé and is trying to ban their reviewers from his restaurant

— Succession creator Jesse Armstrong has a new show cooking

— Tom Green has some stuff cooking too

— Will Ferrell showed up at a hockey game dressed like Buddy the Elf

— here’s Espresso if it was performed by 311

@macglocky#sabrinacarpenter #311 #nickhexum #90s #rock #pop #reggae #mashup

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Okay, that’s it for this week. Please subscribe and consider upgrading and tell Peacock about that idea I had for a show where Marshawn Lynch and Vanessa Bayer solve a murder.