I Can't Believe 'Heads Of State' Is A Real Movie

ALSO: Steven Soderbergh is sad and a chatty anonymous ABC staffer is having a blast

The Five Spot is a weekly Friday roundup where I rank and riff on my five favorite things from the week. Most of the entries will be about film and TV, but there might also be ones about weird local news or sandwiches I ate or anything else, really. The opening section is free but the rest is an exclusive for paid subscribers, so if you want to read the top four entries, you can do that by upgrading…

Off we go.

FIVE: I can’t wait for you to see the tagline

This is the trailer for the upcoming movie Heads of State. It looks like a trailer for a movie that you would see in a movie about people making a different movie. It looks like a trailer for a movie Seth Rogen would watch in a conference room in an episode of The Studio after 37 minutes of him flailing around all of Southern California. It looks like a trailer for a movie where a character gives the “you and I, we’re not so different” speech but in a kind of meta, winky way so the audience knows they get it. I am absolutely going to watch this movie.

Here’s the official description, which does not do the absurdity of it justice.

The UK Prime Minister (Idris Elba) and US President (John Cena) have a public rivalry that risks their countries’ alliance. But when they become targets of a powerful enemy, they’re forced to rely on each other as they go on a wild, multinational run. Allied with Noel, a brilliant MI6 agent (Priyanka Chopra Jonas), they must find a way to thwart a conspiracy that threatens the free world.

Right, so that’s all true, and they had me at “the President and Prime Minister do action movie stuff around the world to thwart a conspiracy,” but there’s other important business going on, too. Stuff like:

• John Cena’s character, the President of the United States, is a former action movie star who Idris Elba’s character does not respect

• Their plane gets shot out of the sky and they are left to navigate a jungle and countryside with automatic weapons in their attempt to survive

• At one point in the trailer, John Cena’s character, who is, again, a former action star who is now the President, gets punched straight in the beans

It’s all really just very stupid. But it might also be just stupid enough to work. I think a lot about the movie Spy when I see a trailer like this. You could cut a trailer that makes Spy look stupid, one with Melissa McCarthy on a scooter and Jason Statham saying his character’s nonsense dialogue without the context that made it work. But Spy was and still is a blast. Just a masterclass in tiptoeing between genres in a way that elevated the silly things that could’ve made it a groaner while still moving the action forward. I might watch it again this weekend.

That’s the trick with an action-comedy, I guess. When they work, they really work, and yes, I’m still mad that The Fall Guy flopped in theaters. But when they don’t work, when they get too cute with the formula and smirk and wink through it and give it all the subtle notes of a snow shovel to the forehead (you’ve seen these movies, you know what I mean), hoo boy. Again, I’ll watch these kinds of movies either way because I’m a sick freak who likes a bad movie as much as a good one, so I’m certainly not asking anyone to stop making them. Make more of them. Cast every professional wrestler you can find for all I care. Just know that I may do some blogs about how dumb they are. That’s the trade-off here.

Anyway, I really must insist that you watch this trailer, if only to see the tagline that pops up on the screen a little before the two-minute mark. I bet you already know what it is. Even if your brain doesn’t know, something deep inside of you does. Trust me.

FOUR: Oh great, you made Steven Soderbergh sad