if i had access to the mask machine from the Mission: Impossible movies

could be a ghost protocol situation

[Supervisor knocks on the open door of my office]

SUPERVISOR: Brian, I need to talk to you. 

ME: Sure thing. 

SUPERVISOR: This might sound strange. 

ME: Okay…

SUPERVISOR: Have you been using the mask machine to circumvent the “one coupon per customer” rule at the bakery around the corner? The one that has the “buy two donuts, get one free” offer on Fridays?

ME: [has nine donuts on desk] Uhhhh no. Why?

SUPERVISOR: Well, you used your key card to access the machine three times this morning…

ME: [entire Boston Creme in mouth] Are you sure?

SUPERVISOR: And we have you on video entering the room. 

ME: [donut crumbs sprinkled all over classified paperwork] Maybe someone used the machine to make a mask of my face to frame me. 

SUPERVISOR: Why would someone frame you to get three free donuts?

ME: It’s crazy out there, man. 

SUPERVISOR: We did go to the bakery to investigate, too. 

ME: [glob of icing on keyboard] Oh?

SUPERVISOR: They said they had coupons redeemed this morning by… let me check to be sure I have this correct… Allen Iverson, Jason Statham, and… me. 

ME: [has posters of Allen Iverson and Jason Statham on wall] Oh wow. 

SUPERVISOR: I did not go to the bakery this morning. 

ME: [notices part of a mask hanging out of a drawer, hurriedly shoves it back in] Do you think it’s the Russians?

SUPERVISOR: What?

ME: It could be.

SUPERVISOR: I don’t th-

ME: Feels like a potential ghost protocol situation…

SUPERVISOR: We’ve talked about this, Brian. 

ME: I think it could work. 

SUPERVISOR: We are not initiating ghost protocol over three donuts. 

ME: I mean, I’m just trying to keep people safe.

SUPERVISOR: Look, just stop using the mask machine for personal reasons or we’ll have to take away your key c-

ME: Holy shit, is that Beyonce?!

SUPERVISOR: [turns around] I don’t see anythin-… oh, Jesus Christ…

ME: [has Allen Iverson mask on] 

SUPERVISOR: Take that off. 

ME, AS ALLEN IVERSON: Take what off?

SUPERVISOR: Brian…

ME, AS ALLEN IVERSON: [powdered sugar all over mask] Who’s Brian? 

SUPERVISOR: You didn’t even get it on right. I can see your neck. 

ME, AS ALLEN IVERSON: That's my new tattoo.

SUPERVISOR: Allen Iverson got a tattoo of an unshaven white neck?

ME, AS ALLEN IVERSON: Yes?

SUPERVISOR: Brian, please.

ME, AS ALLEN IVERSON: Maybe Brian was kidnapped. 

SUPERVISOR: [rubbing temples]

ME, AS ALLEN IVERSON: [mouth full, donut in each hand, debating which one to bite next] Could be a ghost protocol situation…

STUFF I TYPED

— Every Episode Of Reacher, Basically

— I need everyone to know how insane the plot of The Beekeeper is

STUFF I CLICKED ON

— My buddy Josh wrote about the time Green Day sang a song with Godzilla, which I mentioned last week without realizing he was also writing about it

— My buddy Jason wrote about Jon Stewart returning to The Daily Show

— I really want to see Hit Man for reasons explained by Mike Ryan here

— Brian Phillips wrote a good blog about Fargo

— Dan McQuade and Zach Lowe both wrote good blogs about Joel Embiid

— I must see Monkey Man at once

— PISTACHIO HEIST

— I do not like the Dune bucket, even if Rebecca Alter made me laugh about it

— the president of the Philippines used the country’s helicopter to go see Coldplay, which is a funny thing for there to be a scandal over 

— Barbie Snub would be a good fake name

— I am a little obsessed with the movie about the farting and humping Sasquatches

— yooooo did you know Paul Giamatti has a podcast where he talks about Godzilla and Sasquatch and stuff?

— I’ll let the BBC headline handle this one: “Thai police to charge two over pet lion spotted cruising in Bentley”

— I spent like 45 minutes the other night watching old Shaq highlights and it was lovely

Okay, that’s it. Please subscribe and share and be cool about it.