Jason Statham is so good at making Jason Statham movies

a tribute to one of the greats

A Jason Statham movie follows a standard path…

• There is a man — usually, but not always, Jason Statham — who is doing a job

• The job is — usually, but not always — also the title of the movie (Transporter, Mechanic, Beekeeper, etc.)

• A bad man or group of bad men does something bad to someone he cares about

• Jason Statham sets out to correct this wrong

• It turns out what appeared to be a simple crime was actually part of a much larger conspiracy that goes to the top of various organizations or government entities

• We learn that his character has some sort of top-secret military or otherwise murderous background that gives him the resources and skills necessary to go on a one-man spree of vengeance that takes down an entire criminal operation

• Dozens of goons get whomped

• The wrong is righted

• The movie ends

I love these movies. All of them. I know I probably shouldn’t. I’m a person who is horrified by real-life violence and does not like guns and who generally believes one-man sprees of vengeance are not ideal. They’re also not, like, good movies, at least not “good” in the way even a John Wick movie is. They’re often silly, always formulaic, and if anyone but Jason Statham played the main character I would probably roll my eyes and move on.

And yet, there I was, watching the trailer for his next movie, A Working Man, clapping and honking as he whomped on some goons. Watch Statham work.

It’s perfect. Just a perfectly executed Jason Statham movie. Like 90 percent of the plot is right there in the trailer, barring some bonkers twist, which we can’t rule out after The Beekeper’s gasp-inducing “the snotty villain is actually THE DIPSHIT FAILSON OF THE SITTING FEMALE PRESIDENT” left turn, which still makes me smile when I think about it. What a wonderful movie. I might watch it again.

I am also going to watch A Working Man. I mean, of course I am. I’ll probably go see it opening weekend. How could I not when these beautiful lunatics put dialogue like this right in the damn trailer.

Good for Jason Statham, man. The dude has found a niche and it works for him and he just rides with it. Again, I don’t know if these movies work with anyone else. Liam Neeson tried for a while. Gerard Butler is giving it a go. But there’s really just no way to replicate the Statham of it all, the way he can deliver a line of dialogue like… well, let’s just use another screencap from The Beekeeper…

… and then disarm an entire paramilitary squadron and never once take you out of the movie. Like, I really believe Jason Statham can do that. I also do not know the names of any of the characters he has ever played in these movies. He’s always just Jason Statham, same man, same face, same voice. I hope he never stops making them. I hope he makes them into his 80s. Show me Jason Statham taking down a crew of scumbags using his walker and oxygen tank as weapons. I hope his character is retired after a long career of making artisanal cheeses and a bunch of private security creeps show up to take over a local farm and he traces it all the way up the ladder to a single corrupt billionaire senator who is trying to corner the entire dairy market.

Call it The Cheesemonger. Set it for 2050. I’ll pre-order my ticket today.

STUFF I TYPED

— my Friday newsletter covered Jerry Jones acting, Keanu’s watches getting stolen, and an update on the silly beef between Vin Diesel and The Rock

STUFF I CLICKED ON

— Vulture has a great look at how the Always Sunny maniacs ended up on Abbott Elementary, which was just a beautiful television moment

— Discourses We Can Stop Having, Ranked

— great blog about a security guard and a sculpture

— big shoutout to the 102-year-old Eagles fan who is cooler than anyone you know

— I really enjoyed watching Bill Hader dork out in a record store

— good interview with Ben Stiller about a million things but most notably about Severance, which returns on Friday (I’ll be doing weekly things for Vulture after each episode)

— speaking of Severance, you can watch season one on the Roku Channel

— interesting blog by Amanda Mull about the ramifications of the TikTok ban

— “Brazil ex-official returns toilet she had removed from office”

— “I Will Pay Any Amount To Not Pay My Taxes”

— as someone who sleeps poorly and loves Joe Pera I am thrilled that Joe Pera’s sleep-aid podcast is back for another run

— speaking of sleeping poorly, he’s some advice on coffee consumption I absolutely will not follow

— learned about orange dwarf cave crocodiles

— I love reading stories about Emma Stone bullying Kieran Culkin

— potential Mario Kart situation in England

— “Tutu-wearing spider monkey found wandering loose in Missouri”

— scientists are drilling the Antarctic core as though they never saw a disaster movie from the late 1990s

— “Hector Banana-Bread”

— I am very excited for Mythic Quest to come back

Okay, that’s it for this week. Please share and subscribe and whomp on a goon.