Reverse Mailbag: Who Would You Like To See In A Movie With The Muppets?

Let’s hear from you, the readers

There are two things about the Christmas season that I believe with all of my heart:

• It sounds like Brenda Lee says the f-word in Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree

• The Muppet Christmas Carol is the best Christmas movie

I was thinking about both of these recently because, well, because I’m kind of always thinking about them, but also because we have officially entered the Christmas window. We were there already, I guess, and your various indoor and outdoor malls have been there basically since the minute Halloween ended, but I’m ready now, too, and this is my blog so here we go.

A big reason The Muppet Christmas Carol works is Michael Caine’s performance as Scrooge. He plays it dead straight, never once acknowledging that his co-stars are fuzzy puppets being controlled by humans hiding off-screen. This got me thinking about the other gold standards in Muppet-related performances, like Charles Grodin in The Great Muppet Caper and Rita Moreno performing “Fever” with Animal on drums.

And that got me thinking about who I would like to see perform with the Muppets today. And who would be good at it. It is my position that Sabrina Carpenter would be incredible at this. She would flirt with Kermit and it would make him squirm and it would make Miss Piggy so angry she would karate chop an Oldsmobile in half longways.

All of which brings us to the point: I sent out this question to paying subscribers last week and I was not at all disappointed in the answers. I wish I could have posted them all but there were so, so many. I will post some of my favorites below, though. And if you would like to play along with us next time we do this, well, you can do so by upgrading any time you like. Although if you do so by tomorrow you can still get that sweet 20 percent anniversary discount. I am all about deals. And Muppets. Deals and Muppets. That’s me.

Here we go.

Cameron:

Werner Herzog. His role should be improvised.

I like this one for a lot of reasons but mostly because it’s our best chance of having someone say these words without a single drop of irony.

You can hear it. Do not lie to me.

Scott:

My answer is simple: Jackie Chan.

More to the point, I would like to see Jackie Chan in a shot-for-shot remake of Police Story (1985) starring Muppets. It starts with a now 70-year-old Chan reflecting on his long career in Hong Kong and Hollywood cinema, looking at a case full of trophies. One of the trophies falls off a high shelf, hits him on the head, and he wakes up in the Hong Kong of Police Story as the only non-Muppet character around, and he knows the only way to survive or whatever is to see the plot through, even if it means fighting a bunch of puppets.

Thank you for listening.

Two notes here:

• This is Scott from the excellent Action Cookbook Newsletter

• Scott is correct

I want to see Jackie Chan do dozens of stunts inside the Swedish Chef’s kitchen.

Sara:

“The Puppeteer,” an action movie starring Jason Statham.

Opening scene: Statham in a remote garage, painting some old marionette, with lots of old Muppet memorabilia around. Gonzo walks in and reports the kidnapping of his friends, and he’s seeking out Statham because the kidnappers mentioned his name in a revenge plot as he is “the best there ever was.” Gonzo and Statham then embark on an action-packed quest to retrieve the Muppets, restore the glory of his life’s work, and resolve the unfinished business, dispatching the villain along the way. The villain could be a loosely drawn network head like David Zaslav, or maybe someone from Statham’s past with a vendetta.

I promise I did not write this while pretending to be a woman named Sara. I can see why you might think this. But Sara is real. Her email included other good suggestions, too. But you can see why I went with this option.

Jen:

Marshawn Lynch. Dude has been crushing it in his transition into acting - you can add the Bottoms picture you know which one I'm referring to. His next movie is with Ke Huy Quan! Just want to see the guy do well, and I think the Muppets are the next step in that.

Two things again:

• I need this

• I need to see Marshawn Lynch cuss at The Muppets

Anyway, yes I will post a screencap of Marshawn Lynch in Bottoms.

Great email.

David:

Jason Segel, Amy Adams, Jim Pars-CRAP. Okay, Tina Fey, Ricky Gerv-CRAP. Clearly I need to think older. Michael Ca-DAMN IT.

On a serious note, Andy Samberg seems like a natural fit as the human star of a Muppet movie.

And now I want Conner Friel in a Muppet movie.

I like all of this but I would also watch a version of Popstar where Statler and Waldorf do DVD commentary throughout the entire movie. Lots of options here.

Joe:

Given enough time and the right resources, I'm pretty sure I could convince Tom Cruise the Muppets are real living breathing entities. Like, I'm sure he knows they're not, but maybe he doesn't know that. And maybe he would want to coach Miss Piggy and Kermit on how to do a scene. Or laugh at Fozzie and Gonzo doing hilarious bits. He might only believe it as an acting exercise. But yeah, Tom Cruise.

[does that thing Tom Cruise does where he claps enthusiastically and cackles with unsettling intensity] Fantastic!

Stefa:

In thinking about this question one thing has to stay at the forefront of your mind: you need an actor who can either be as muppety as the Muppets (Tim Curry/Treasure Island) OR so serious they treat the Muppets as fellow serious actors (Michael Caine/A Christmas Carol). This main consideration is why I would like to propose a brand new The Sound of Music starring Julie Andrews and nothing but Muppets otherwise. All the songs, all the drama, Kermit rips up a Nazi flag, Miss Piggy as the Baroness, maybe she and Julie have a slap fight, but basically shot for shot Sound of Music but Just Julie Andrews & Muppets. The combined magic of the 2 entities would be guaranteed to create something glorious.

Hmm. Yes. Nothing in here I can argue with or improve upon.

Scott:

Christoph Waltz in full villain mode. Breaking down the ingredients of a chocolate chip cookie while Cookie Monster holds in a nervous breakdown and tries to play it cool, like the dessert scene in Inglorious Basterds

I just stopped to picture this and started gigging at my desk.

Anne:

I believe the correct answer is Matt Berry.

Okay, yes. Anne is indeed correct. Great work by everyone else too, though.

STUFF I CLICKED ON

— “In Praise of Denzel Washington, Super Villain”

— “The Gladiator II Line That Broke My Brain”

— good blog about sad Cowboys fans

— Katie Heindl wrote about where all the money from NBA fines goes

— David Roth wrote about Saquon Barkley

— Jim Abrahams died, which is sad, but the man was a legendary writer who had a hand in stuff like Airplane and Naked Gun and thinking about that made me think of one of the greatest lines in TV history, from Police Squad

— the influencers are at war

— Kathy Griffin wants to be the Golden Bachelorette

— I am very late to the Doctor Odyssey “fever dream theory” but I am all in on it

— congratulations to the chemists who created the world’s thinnest spaghetti

— “Crooks Allegedly Stole Truck Full of $1.5 Million of Oculus Headsets”

— “Men charged with stealing 1,200 pairs of Air Jordans from a train in the Mojave Desert”

— 10-year-old calls 911 for help with math homework

— student charges $1,000 to his teacher’s credit card for PlayStation contraband

— I hate the banana man very much

— “Here’s how the sun will end all life on Earth”

— hard to explain how strange it is to hear a character on The Simpsons say the name of a man who was once at your birthday party

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Okay, that’s it for this week. Please subscribe and share and ask Sabrina Carpenter if she’ll do a movie with the Muppets.