The Five Spot: A Few Questions About The Upcoming Netflix Christmas Movie 'Hot Frosty'

Also: Tom Hardy wants to punch Spider-man and Martha Stewart demands hunks

The Five Spot is a weekly Friday roundup where I rank and riff on my five favorite things from the week. Most of the entries will be about film and TV, but there might also be ones about weird local news or sandwiches I ate or anything else, really. The whole thing is an exclusive for paid subscribers, so if you want to read the top four entries, you can do that by upgrading…

Off we go.

FIVE: Merry Christmas

This is the trailer for the new Netflix Christmas movie Hot Frosty, which stars Lacey Chabert and Dustin Milligan. I insist you watch it. It raises a number of interesting and troubling questions, a few of which we will address, well, now.

What is any of this?

An excellent start. Let’s go to the official description for details…

Two years after losing her husband, Kathy (Lacey Chabert) magically brings a handsome snowman (Dustin Milligan) to life! Through his naïveté, the snowman helps Kathy to laugh, feel and love again, as the two fall for each other just in time for the holidays... and before he melts.

Okay, but…

Wasn’t the Frosty in the original cartoon and song just a snowman who came to life as a snowman, not a snowman who magically became a real human man?

Yes.

So are we…

Go on.

Are we implying…

Say it.

… Just how anatomically correct was this original snowman for it to come to life as a human?

There it is.

I mean…

No, this is fair. And not just in the “Did the sculptor of the snowman give him downstairs parts and, if so, should that person be arrested?” sense. We can go further. Does… does he have a snow heart? Snow kidneys? A fully carved-out snow digestive tract? What about snow lungs? I realize this is all extremely stupid and the answer to all of these is “because magic, dummy,” but things are getting weird. Someone gave a snowman nipples. We’re not the crazy ones here.

Why has it taken us so long as a society to make a Christmas movie where a lonely widow played by Lacey Chabert falls in love with a smoking hot snowman?

This is a terrific question. We should all be ashamed of ourselves.

What the hell has Hallmark been doing for the last… wait, why isn’t this movie on Hallmark?

Ahhhh.

Isn’t Lacey Chabert their girl?

About that. There is a lawsuit wriggling its way through the California courts that alleges Hallmark cut ties with actresses like her and Holly Robinson Peete because they are “too old.”

Excuse me?

Yup.

Too old to be seduced by a sexy snowman?

That’s the claim.

HOW DARE THEY

A fair point.

She should carve herself a snowman lawyer and take them for everything.

I think we’re getting a little off track here…

Snowman Joe Pesci doing My Cousin Vinny.

Focus, buddy.

Sorry.

It happens.

Hey…

Yes…

When that description says “until he melts”… are they implying that this recently widowed woman will fall in love with a naive human snowman and then promptly lose him too right as the holiday season ends?

I mean…

God, that would be dark.

Agreed.

Although I guess she could just make a new one every Christmas…

Now we’re getting somewhere.

She could make them for other lonely ladies, too.

You see where this leads, right?

SNOWMAN GIGOLOS

Right.

LACEY CHABERT: SNOWMAN MADAM

Yup.

HOT FROSTY EXTENDED UNIVERSE

How will they ever count all the money?

FOUR: Tom Hardy wants to punch Spider-Man and I think we should let him