The Five Spot: Congratulations To Batman

Also: We have a Martha/Ina feud and an update on Operation Beef Bandit

The Five Spot is a weekly Friday roundup where I rank and riff on my five favorite things from the week. Most of the entries will be about film and TV, but there might also be ones about weird local news or sandwiches I ate or anything else, really. The whole thing is an exclusive for paid subscribers, so if you want to read the top four entries, you can do that by upgrading…

Off we go.

FIVE: Batman needed this

It has been a weird couple of weeks for Batman. One of his enemies, The Penguin, just got a big fancy television show on a streaming service. Another one of his enemies has a new movie coming out that features singing and dancing with Lady Gaga. His butler got a show for some reason. This is not how it is supposed to work. Batman is supposed to be the star here, the main attraction. Imagine how annoyed you would be if a gaggle of your most hated coworkers, who you resoundingly outperformed over many years, started getting celebrated like this. Parties in the break room, company-sponsored trips to tropical locations for “conferences,” promotions with prestigious-sounding titles, all of it. What have they ever done to earn this? It’s madness. Batman has every right to throw a vase or two around Wayne Manor.

Luckily, for Batman’s bruised ego if nothing else, someone is stepping up to give him a little recognition at a time when he kind of needs it. And that someone is… wait, the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce?

"The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce is proud to honor our first superhero on the Hollywood Walk of Fame! The one, the only, Batman!” stated Ana Martinez, Producer of the Hollywood Walk of Fame. “Fans from around the world will be thrilled to know that Batman will have his star dedicated next to the stars of television’s Batman, Adam West, and the co-creator of Batman, Bob Kane,” added Martinez.

A few things are worth flagging here. The first is how funny it is that Batman is the first superhero to get a star, which is a nice little kryptonite thumb in Superman’s eye. Another is how funny it must be to see this on the ground as you’re strolling down the street, like “… Al Pacino… Julia Roberts… Batman… Johnny Carson.” But my favorite is that Batman now joins the list of fictional characters with Walk of Fame stars, which already includes notable figures like Shrek and Godzilla.

Yes, Shrek got a star before Batman. Yes, this is undeniably insane, given both longevity and worldwide level of fame. Yes, I could sit here and make an argument that Godzilla could be considered a superhero after the events of Godzilla Vs. Kong, a film where the two beasts literally punch each other square in the face before setting aside their differences to save humanity by defeating a robotic Godzilla created by an evil corporation. Yes, I do think it’s kind of messed up that there is one star dedicated to “The Muppets” and another for Kermit the Frog, specifically, which is probably something that drives Miss Piggy INSANE.

Anyway, if you’re wondering if the official press release goes on for paragraphs to justify giving Batman a star, buddy, it sure does.

Batman is recognized across the globe thanks to his portrayal in universally beloved comics, TV shows, cartoons, and movies. From Adam West in the eponymous hit 1966 show, to the latest Caped Crusader as played by Robert Pattinson in The Batman, the image of Batman is reinvented for every generation by incredible writers and artists both behind the camera and at the drawing board.

It would have been so much funnier if they wrote an actual biography of Batman here, either one that acknowledges his true identity as Bruce Wayne or one that plays dumb. This is one of many reasons I am not allowed to write these press releases.

Through it all, Batman’s continued adventures through the pages of DC Comics reaches readers around the globe every month. Batman has inspired countless writers and artists such as Neal Adams, Denny O’Neil, Frank Miller, David Mazzucchelli, Grant Morrison, Andy Kubert, Jeph Loeb, Tim Sale, Scott Snyder, Greg Capullo, Tom King, and Jim Lee to tell stories of heroism and perseverance. Batman has transcended his story into one of the great American myths. He is vengeance. He is the night. He is Batman.    

So there you go. A little win for Batman. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to focus my energy on trying to figure out which fictional character will get a star next. If it’s Jake From State Farm, I need one of you to rent a jackhammer.

FOUR: Martha Stewart is feuding with Ina Garten, regardless of what her publicist says