The Five Spot: Knives Out More Like Scissors Away

Also: A hot dog fiasco and a sweet Peruvian bear

Hello and welcome to The Five Spot, a new thing I will be doing on Fridays where I rank and riff on five of my favorite things from the week. What we’re shooting for here is a fun little roundup you can read at lunch or after work, which is a goal I consider both noble and stupid. There is honor in things that are noble and stupid. I truly believe that.

This first edition of The Five Spot is free. Click on it, read it, send it to anyone (EVERYONE), have a blast. See if it’s something you enjoy. But starting next week it will be an exclusive for paid subscribers, who have to-date been forking over cash with no incentive to do so. So, if you already paid for a subscription, boom, value. And if you haven’t upgraded and want to read this sucker going forward…

Okay, excellent chat. Here we go.

FIVE: Grow a mustache next

This is the first official image for the upcoming third Knives Out movie, which is titled Wake Up Dead Man. The important things worth noting about the picture are that it is in black and white and that Benoit Blanc has long hair now. Both of these raise important questions, including but not limited to:

“Wait, is the whole movie going to be in black and white?”

“Why is Benoit Blanc’s hair so long?”

“Is he, like, going through something and making drastic changes to his appearance in an attempt to exert control and autonomy over a low-stakes part of his life?”

“WAIT WAS HIS BARBER THE MURDER VICTIM???”

All valid and worth exploring. I assume Rian Johnson and company are on this, though. The cast is all filled out, too, which seemed to happen slowly and then all at once, like a lot of things in life. Here are the biggies, via Variety:

Craig, the connective tissue between the three “Knives Out” movies, is joined in “Wake Up Dead Man” by an all-star cast including Josh O’Connor (“Challengers”), Cailee Spaeny (“Civil War”), Andrew Scott (“All of Us Strangers”), Kerry Washington (“Scandal”), Glenn Close (“Fatal Attraction”), Jeremy Renner (“The Avengers”), Mila Kunis (“Black Swan”), Daryl McCormack (“Good Luck to You, Leo Grande”), Josh Brolin (“Dune: Part Two”) and more.

Pretty solid. I would have also accepted Danny McBride as the murderer and then the whole cast of Righteous Gemstones in it there, too. Yes, I know Edi Patterson was in the first one and her character died. We can figure out a way around that later. I don’t think a secret lookalike ruse will work because they just did one of those in the second movie. Or maybe it will work even better because no one will expect them to do it another time. I don’t know. We have plenty of time to brainstorm before the next movie. The important thing is that we’re having the conversation.

FOUR: Hot dog fiasco

I do not care very much about the hot dog eating contest. It is weird to me. I love hot dogs. They are one of our society’s greatest foods. But watching some dudes jam 50 of them into their faces with both fists is not exactly the height of entertainment in my book. I am happy for you if you enjoy it, though. Lord knows I am not exactly the world’s authority on fine taste.

I do like a good fiasco, though. And we have a hot dog fiasco on our hands here, now that world champion hot dog scarfer Joey Chestnut has been banned from this year’s event for signing an endorsement deal with a rival food company, Impossible Foods, which is now a direct competitor to the hot dog contest’s main sponsor, Nathan’s. And you can read all about it here at this link, which is full of useful information I do not want to get into.

I do want to get into the quotes about it from the involved parties, though, which contain some really wonderful phrases. Here’s what the people who run the event said about the banning.

“For nearly two decades we have worked under the same basic hot dog exclusivity provisions. However, it seems that Joey and his managers have prioritized a new partnership with a different hot dog brand over our long-time relationship.”

I am fairly certain I have never seen the words “basic hot dog exclusivity provisions” lined up in that order before now. It’s pretty exciting. And it’s not even my favorite phrase in here. That honor goes to the last sentence in this blockquote.

In a statement of its own, Impossible Foods said “We love Joey and support him in any contest he chooses. It’s OK to experiment with a new dog. Meat eaters shouldn’t have to be exclusive to just one wiener.”

Impossible Foods, thank you.

And that would have been enough for me. I, unlike the competitors in these events, am not a glutton. But then Joey Chestnut went and announced that he’s doing a special event for Netflix where he will face off against retired hot dog legend Kobayashi. This, I might actually watch. Especially after reading these two quotes from Kobayashi, which are… incredible.

“I hear people say they’re hungry, and they look very happy after they’ve eaten,” he said of his retirement. “I’m jealous of those people because I no longer feel hunger.”

This is somehow the deepest and saddest thing I’ve ever read and also just the funniest possible thing you can say while promoting a televised special where you and another man race to swallow as many hot dogs as you can while a crowd cheers you on. I am invested now. As is Kobayashi.

“Retiring for me will only happen after I take him down one last time,” Kobayashi said. “This rivalry has been brewing for a long time. Competing against Joey live on Netflix means fans all over the world can watch me knock him out.”

I need you to realize what is happening here…

Kobayashi was retired…

But he’s coming back…

For one last job…

ONE LAST HOT DOG JOB

I take back everything I said in the intro paragraph. This is riveting business.

THREE: Ham(m) Spears

The latest installment of Fargo was good. Juno Temple went full-Home Alone on some intruders. Dave Foley wore a sparkly eyepatch and introduced us to a character named John Sasquatch. Jennifer Jason Leigh gave us pronunciations of words we should somehow put in a museum. Fargo… good show. Please feel free to use that as a blurb.

It also included a great scene where Jon Hamm marched around with menace in his eyes while what quickly became clear was a haunting cover of “Toxic” by Britney Spears played in the background. I have included the original above for reference and because it’s a good song.

Here is the version from the show:

Deadline got ahold of Noah Hawley’s frequent collaborator Jeff Russo to discuss the scene and I found the conversation fascinating. Here’s one part I liked…

“I get these phone calls from Noah,” Russo said. “It’s really funny. We have a great working relationship. He will call me and he’ll be like, ‘Okay, Toxic.’ I’m just quiet. ‘Uh, okay.’ Then he said, ‘No no no, hear me out. The walk.’ And I knew exactly what he’s talking about with the walk.”

… and here’s another.

“As you’re seeing Jon walk you see the black in his eyes,” Russo said. “You see the blackness in his heart. It could’ve been a really dark score, but that felt too much. That felt too on the nose. So then we tried to do something a lot more fun.”

For those of you keeping score, this is now the second prominent mention of Britney Spears I have made on this website in the last few weeks. I bet I can get to five by the end of summer.

TWO: Listen to me

Martha’s Vineyard is about to run out of weed. That sentence is both true and a fun thing to say out loud. Try it now. And then go read this article that explains the various legal pretzels that led to the cannabis crisis. There are a bunch of great quotes from wealthy older people who use it for medical reasons and are really just very annoyed. As they should be! It’s all extremely stupid. Here’s the short version of the predicament, though.

The problem boils down to location. Although Massachusetts voters opted to legalize marijuana more than seven years ago, the state’s Cannabis Control Commission has taken the position that transporting pot across the ocean — whether by boat or plane — risks running afoul of federal laws. That’s despite a counterargument that there are routes to Martha’s Vineyard that remain entirely within state territorial waters.

Okay, listen. I know you’re going to be tempted to go on a rant about various policies related to the criminalization of marijuana and how years of bungled legislation have led to situations like this. And you can do that. Later. But right now I need you to focus on something else…

At some point in the near future, no more than two years from today, one of whichever streaming services are still standing must have a television series or movie available about a crew of elderly Martha’s Vineyard residents who smuggle marijuana to the coast in a submarine. I will leave the specifics up to whichever creative talent runs with the idea. I’ve already done my part. I will put it in bullet points to be even more clear. I need:

• A television show or movie

• About a group of elderly people who are fed up with inept bureaucrats

• And take matters into their own hands by smuggling marijuana to Martha’s Vineyard in a submarine

It’s a simple request. Thank you in advance.

ONE: My sweet boy has returned

You cannot possibly imagine how excited I am about the trailer for the third Paddington movie. Look at my sweet little man go. And look at the official description.

PADDINGTON IN PERU brings Paddington's story to Peru as he returns to visit his beloved Aunt Lucy, who now resides at the Home for Retired Bears. With the Brown Family in tow, a thrilling adventure ensues when a mystery plunges them into an unexpected journey through the Amazon rainforest and up to the mountain peaks of Peru.

A few things are true here and I am going to list them via bullet point once again:

• I adore these movies

• I gasped when Antonio Banderas showed up in the trailer wearing a neckerchief

• If this movie is anywhere near as good as the second one, we are going to need to have an extremely serious conversation about this being one of the greatest film trilogies ever made

I love my clumsy son very much. He’s a good boy.