The Five Spot: Look At The Walton Goggins Goggle Glasses

ALSO: Scientists taught rats to drive and now they love going on joyrides

The Five Spot is a weekly Friday roundup where I rank and riff on my five favorite things from the week. Most of the entries will be about film and TV, but there might also be ones about weird local news or sandwiches I ate or anything else, really. The whole thing is an exclusive for paid subscribers, so if you want to read the top four entries, you can do that by upgrading…

Off we go.

FIVE: Look at these things

gq

A post shared by @gq

It started earlier this week. I saw a video on Instagram — that one up there —of Walton Goggins on the red carpet for GQ’s annual Man of the Year thing. He looked… incredible. What I said at the time was that he looks kind of like if Doc Brown from Back to the Future had a brother who ran an underworld-adjacent nightclub, which I stand by today and also mean as the highest compliment you can possibly imagine. Look at this guy.

My favorite part of the outfit was the sunglasses. They look like something a teenage rollerblader would have worn during a street race to save his favorite skate park from evil developers in a movie from 1993 with a title like Shredders. I would watch this movie today. Also, his glasses appeared to have an elastic strap that wrapped around his head instead of regular hinged frames. Fascinating all around, and it would’ve remained that way if that’s all it was.

It wasn’t. A day later, we learned via publicity email and exclusives in various celeb-focused magazines that these were sunglasses of his own creation. And that he’s selling them. And that they’re called Walton Goggins Goggle Glasses. I immediately dropped my plans (lol) so I could learn everything about this situation. And I was not disappointed even a little.

First, there’s this, on the idea behind them, which is perfect. Please read this quote in his voice. You were going to do that anyway, I imagine. But it’s important.

He says his inspiration behind the goggle and glasses combo was nostalgia.

"It's Aspen in the '80s, and when I say Aspen in the '80s, it's not like I ever went skiing in Aspen in the '80s," he says with a laugh, noting that he grew up in a small town in Georgia raised by a single mom and a collection of aunts and uncles.

These are already the greatest sunglasses ever made. My only regret is that he did not create them about six months earlier so we could have outfitted every American Olympian with a pair for the games in Paris. Even the gymnasts. We can wait for the next winter games, I guess. But still.

"But I remember the very first pair of ski goggles I got, and I just loved them," he tells PEOPLE. "I never wanted to take them off my head. I loved the strap. I just liked the way that they felt on my eyes. I mean, they were just a very cool accessory. And I thought, what is a smaller version of that that people can really wrap their heads around wearing in an urban environment?"

Let’s be very clear about this: If these were being shilled by a celebrity other than Walton Goggins, I would be rolling my eyes. I might roll them so hard that I would actually need eyewear strapped to my head with an elastic band to keep them from tumbling out of their sockets and onto the floor. But Goggins is so… what is the word here? Pure? Earnest? There’s just not a single drop of cynicism here and I find it charming as hell. The man had an idea for some cool sunglasses so he made some cool sunglasses. That’s awesome. What the hell did any of you do this year? Exactly. Shut up.

It gets better. There’s a website for the Walton Goggins Goggle Glasses. The URL is https://gogginsgoggles.com. And when you go there, right at the top of the homepage, you’ll see this video cycling on a loop in the background, which I yoinked as a GIF because it is art to me.

STRAP IN

LOOK OUT

This tagline is perfect. For, well, anything, but especially these glasses. And also especially for that fake rollerblader movie I mentioned earlier. We need to find a way to take present-day Goggins back to 1993 so he can play the villain in that thing. How exactly will winning a street race save the skate park from capitalism? Unclear. And also unimportant. It just will.

This is the actual About section from the website, by the way:

I started this line of premium Goggle Glasses because I felt like nothing out there was doin' the job. What job, you ask? A pair of stylish sunglasses that expressed and integrated with my inward and outward journey. So if you're looking for a sexy pair of shades that move with you as you dance to the rhythm of life, well, Walton Goggins Goggle Glasses were made just for you. 

Three notes in conclusion:

• I love everything about this so much

• I do not actually want a pair of Walton Goggins Goggle Glasses for myself because I suspect a key element of looking good in them is “being Walton Goggins” whereas I would just look like a massive dork

• I can’t believe they left “Walton Goggles” on the table

Nothing can top this. Maybe ever. I might cry.

FOUR: Nicole Kidman does not mind being a meme, actually