The Five Spot: The 9-1-1 Universe Will Finally Stare Down The Apocalypse

ALSO: An outrageously good hidden Good Place cameo and a pie heist

The Five Spot is a weekly Friday roundup where I rank and riff on my five favorite things from the week. Most of the entries will be about film and TV, but there might also be ones about weird local news or sandwiches I ate or anything else, really. The whole thing is an exclusive for paid subscribers, so if you want to read the top four entries, you can do that by upgrading…

Off we go.

FIVE: Rob Lowe vs. The Asteroid

Here is the trailer for the upcoming final season of 9-1-1: Lone Star, which airs on Fox. This is where you might pause and say something like “But Brian, I thought 9-1-1 aired on ABC.” To which I would reply “Oh, yes, it does.” And then you would say “So why is this spinoff of the original on Fox, a rival and competing television network?” And then I would reply “Because the original 9-1-1 — the one where Angela Bassett battles bees and cruise ship pirates — premiered on Fox many years ago and did well enough to get a spinoff made that stars Rob Lowe as a Texas firefighter, but Fox canceled it after six seasons and ABC picked it up, which means we now live in a world where a popular television show and its spinoff air on different broadcast networks at the same time.” And then you would say “Huh, that sounds chaotic.” And then I would reply “Brother, an asteroid is headed for Texas in that trailer up there so I would argue the network shenanigans at play are at best the fourth or fifth most chaotic thing about this particular franchise.” And you would say “Yeah, okay. That’s fair.” And then we would move to the next paragraph.

That is what’s happening here, though. The next and final season of 9-1-1: Lone Star will open with a story about an asteroid hurtling toward Texas. I… I love this. It’s like they looked at 9-1-1 and its bee-nado trilogy and said “pfffftttttt big whoop.” An asteroid! Buddy, I got news for you: If a giant asteroid slams into Texas, ain’t no way Rob Lowe with a fire hose is saving us. Angela Bassett… maybe. Probably. She could redirect the asteroid with the power of a single look of disdain. But Rob Lowe? I mean… all due respect, but no.

In conclusion, two things are true here:

ONE: We are almost definitely headed toward a situation where the asteroid’s path results in a near-miss or glancing blow where everyone bands together to learn a lesson about life and humanity and maybe put out some fires when a meteor chunk breaks off and slams into the Dallas Cowboys stadium or something (good imo) (go birds)

TWO: It would be really, really, really funny if the whole asteroid hits dead-on and wipes out most of civilization and the entire last season of this show transforms into a science fiction saga about Rob Lowe traversing a wasteland on the hunt for food and shelter and any other human survivors

So that’s something to keep an eye on in January.

FOUR: A Man On The Inside is a good show that pulled off a great secret little cameo