uh oh, some local tough guy wants to fight Reacher
let's see how that goes...
Reacher has just finished changing a tire for a 107-year-old woman. He is wiping grease off his hands and preparing to go back into the diner to finish his pie when he notices three men standing around an old pickup truck. One of the men addresses him…
LOCAL TOUGH GUY: Hey. Hey you. What do you think you’re looking at?
REACHER: Excuse me?
LOCAL TOUGH GUY: [spits into cup] Yeah, I’m talking to you. What do you think you’re looking at?
REACHER: [says nothing]
LOCAL TOUGH GUY: [laughing] Oh, he’s a tough guy. See that, boys? We got a regular tough guy on our hands.
BUDDY 1: Yeah, a tough guy
BUDDY 2: Real tough.
LOCAL TOUGH GUY: You new in town, buddy? Ain’t seen you around before. Think I’d remember a big ugly gorilla walking around. That your name? Big Ugly Gorilla?
REACHER: [biceps exploding out of a t-shirt that is flecked with the blood of a dozen goons and henchmen he has recently murdered with his hands] I’m Reacher.
LOCAL TOUGH GUY: Oh, look at that. It talks. See that, boys? It uses words.
BUDDY 1: Yeah, regular sentences.
BUDDY 2: Mr. Paragraphs over here.
LOCAL TOUGH GUY: [takes swig of beer, tosses can into bed of pickup truck] I think maybe you might wanna get moving, pal. You might not find this here part of town too friendly, if you know what I mean.
REACHER: [stands to full height, towers over everyone, looks almost exactly like a man who has never lost a fight in his entire life] You should stop talking.
LOCAL TOUGH GUY: [scoffs] Me? I should stop talking? In my town? Oh, now you’re really asking for trouble.
REACHER: Lemme guess. You played high school football.
LOCAL TOUGH GUY: [was third-team All-County] Second-team All-State.
REACHER: And now you all just sit around reminiscing about the glory days to dull the pain of your lives falling apart.
LOCAL TOUGH GUY: I coulda made it to the NFL if my knee didn’t act up and coach wasn’t such an asshole
BUDDY 1: Kicked us off the team for no reason.
BUDDY 2: Everyone spray-paints some slurs on a water tower.
REACHER: I’m gonna turn around and then I’m gonna walk away. I’m gonna suggest the three of you do the same.
Reacher turns and takes two steps in the other direction, at which point he is hit in the back of the head with a half-full beer can. He stops and sighs and grits his teeth.
LOCAL TOUGH GUY: Oh, look. The gorilla is mad, boys. What are you gonna do about it, gorilla? Huh? Because I know you’re not gonna turn around and walk over here. Not if you know what’s good for you. Keep walkin’, chump. That’s right. Walk away.
Reacher sighs and takes another step in the opposite direction, but hears more commotion over his shoulder. He turns around and sees the local tough guy and his buddies hassling a young mother who is carrying five bags of groceries and attempting to wrangle her three small children, one of whom is disabled. Reacher scowls. He starts walking in their direction, his jaw clenched so tightly it looks like he has wrenches inside his face.
LOCAL TOUGH GUY: Oh, here we go. Looks like the gorilla wants trouble, boys. Looks like he wants to make a bad decision. Time to teach him a lesson about minding his own business…
Three hours later
LOCAL NEWS ANCHOR: Three local men were violently assaulted in town today by an unnamed assailant. They were found dangling from light posts on Main Street around 4pm, hanging upside down by their underwear. They told authorities that they weren’t doing anything when a large man attacked them for no reason. Eyewitnesses refused to comment but many could be seen pointing and laughing at the men when firefighters arrived to get them down.
STUFF I TYPED
— wrote about how The Righteous Gemstones uses words better than any show on television
— let me fire the Phillie Phanatic’s hot dog cannon
STUFF I CLICKED ON
— Lindsey Adler wrote a killer skateboard blog
— Mike Ryan ranked Jason Statham’s movie jobs
— excellent popcorn investigation
— describing shows like The Studio as a non-derogatory “silver age of TV” is pretty accurate
— John Mulaney’s Netflix talk show is an ambitious mess, which is what makes it so fun when it works
— I have not loved this season of The White Lotus (dooooooo something, anyone, god) but I cannot deny that this screencap of Carrie Coon almost justifies the whole thing
— “Lessons from a Pet Detective Named Kat”
— “QVC spokesmodel sues Nestle over exploding San Pellegrino bottle”
— "Dollar Tree Is Selling Family Dollar for $1 Billion"
— four Beatles movies dropping at once in 2026
— “torpedo bats” are a new baseball thing that everyone is excited about, even though I think we can all agree a new animal called “the torpedo bat” would be much more fun
— there are too many people in Avengers: Doomsday
— Mel Gibson making Jesus sequel
— while I have no interest in the vast majority of the upcoming six-episode docuseries about the Kansas City Chiefs’ 2024 season, I sure will skip ahead to check out the final episode
Okay, that’s it for this week. Please subscribe and share and do not try to fight Reacher.
It would be completely trivial for me to defeat Jack Reacher in single combat
Reacher Rocks