welcome to the summer of LEGO heists

the toy brick black market is apparently thriving

Okay, that image up there is a screencap of an actor named Joaquim de Almeida from the new Road House movie. You know him. If you are watching a movie and there’s a corrupt businessman or politician who smokes cigars and drinks dark liquor during underworld-adjacent meetings, there’s a good chance that character is played by Joaquim. He's really just very good at this specific thing, which is fun and worth noting. We’ll come back to him in a few minutes. 

But first…

Two people were arrested this week in connection with a retail theft ring that allegedly stole thousands of LEGO toys from several Southern California retailers.

What we have here is an operation run by two people, a man and a woman, that was busted up when police caught them with almost 3000 stolen LEGO sets. That is… a lot of LEGO sets. Like, think of a number of LEGO sets that you would consider to be “a lot of LEGO sets.” I think I would say 45 boxes would be a lot. Definitely 100. Now that I sit here and think about it, I’m not even sure I can picture what 3000 boxes of LEGO bricks looks like. It’s a lot of LEGO bricks, dude. 

Police said detectives became aware of a series of thefts from a retailer on North Gaffey Street in San Pedro where loss prevention personnel identified Gudino as the suspect. On Tuesday, she was seen stealing items from the same retailer in Torrance and Lakewood before dropping them off at Siegel's home, according to police.

So that’s what was happening here. A couple people were stealing LEGO sets from stores in California. Which is weird. And kind of funny, at least as far as retail theft goes. And it would have been both weird and funny if it were the only recent large-scale LEGO heist to take place in Southern California this year. 

Which brings me to this story from a few weeks ago…

When authorities seize hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of bricks, they usually aren’t referring to LEGO.

I am very proud of the reporter and editor who got that sentence into print. Just a perfect little groaner. Good for them. But we do need to get to the details here, too. 

Investigators discovered what they estimate to be $300,000 worth of LEGO sets that had been stolen from stores like Target, Home Depot and Lowe’s, then given to fences to be sold to people and stores under the guise of being legitimately procured.

I had enough trouble picturing what 3000 boxes of LEGO bricks looks like. I cannot even begin to comprehend what $300,000 worth of LEGO sets looks like, in part because of the scale of it all and in part because I am so out of the LEGO game that I do not know how much they cost in either the legitimate or black market. Either way, I think it is safe to assume it is also a lot of LEGO bricks. 

These stories in combination lead to, as far as I can tell, two potential scenarios…

SCENARIO ONE: These two operations were unrelated and there is just a robust market for contraband toy building blocks in Los Angeles that people are trying to take advantage of to earn some quick money. 

SCENARIO TWO: These two operations were related and part of a massive ring of LEGO thefts run by a single criminal mastermind and, yes, this brings us back to Joaquim de Almeida, who I need you to picture in a suit with a cigar in one hand and a glass of dark liquor in the other as he invites two people into his scenic high-rise office and settles into a leather chair to give them a speech about the history of the LEGO black market and lucrative opportunities for anyone who goes into business with him. 

Something like this, basically. But about LEGO theft.

The first scenario is way, way more likely. But the second is a lot more fun. So let’s go with that one.

oh my god, dude, shut up, nobody cares

The time has come for some housekeeping and updates…

— We crossed over into triple digits of paid subscribers a while ago, just a few months after turning them on, which is nice considering I have, uh, not offered any incentive to upgrade to a paid account beyond “the joy of giving Brian money.” Not yet, at least. This is what we call a teaser.

— Yes, I am finally going to start offering actual benefits to having a paid subscription here. This is going to be a little trial and error, but the two I have in the hopper right now are…

ONE: A post on Fridays for paid subscribers where I rank and riff on my five favorite stories of the week. Kind of like the thing I used to do at Uproxx called The Rundown, maybe not as long, with stuff about TV and movies mixed in with silly heists and whatever else I’m obsessing about. It’ll be fun. 

TWO: An occasional thing where I send out an email to paid subscribers asking for their answers to incredibly stupid questions (“What is the best temperature?” or “What is the best flavor?” or something like that) and then publish a bunch of the best in the free newsletter that goes out on Sundays. 

— Also, I’ll be flipping a bunch of levers in the settings here to try to goose subscriptions a bit, both free and paid, which means there may be an automated email or two popping up in your inbox every now and then. (Discounts for active free subscribers to upgrade to paid, gift subscriptions in exchange for referrals, etc.) Please let me know if it gets too annoying so I can dial it back. Honestly, the way I would prefer to grow this sucker is word of mouth instead of promotional email blasts, so if you ever read something here and want to share it with people you think might like it, whether it’s linking to it or sharing it on social media or just sending it to the idiot friends you’re in a group text with, that would be lovely and helpful. Here’s a button to do that!

Which brings me to the important part: the Sunday edition will still be free. I am not taking stuff away to try to irritate you into upgrading. I am offering you more to try to entice you into upgrading. Please do not yell at me. 

STUFF I CLICKED ON

— Liz Shannon Miller interviewed Ed O’Neill

— William Goodman wrote about the constantly confusing Sony vs. Marvel Spider-man business 

— Kristen Wiig and Jon Hamm had a fun little chat

— Goggins profile

— Alan Siegel put together another terrific oral history, this time about Gremlins

— Ryan Nanni and Martin Rickman, two of the best dudes online, have a fun new project brewing

— here’s a good blog about Joe Pantoliano’s role in the Bad Boys universe, which I mention here mostly as an excuse to share the very funny scene from the first movie where he launches up the worst jump shots you’ve ever seen

— conniving koala named Claude

— meat spill

— golf cart heist

— Giannis Antetokounmpo’s production company is making a Greek heist movie and now I just want to see him reach over a bunch of crisscrossing lasers to steal a diamond

— the song of the summer is here

— I will read any article about Henry Winkler’s feud with Tom Hanks

— There’s a Peaky Blinders movie coming and uh oh I might start doing the voice again

— Paul Giamatti is going to star in a Hostel TV series, which is fine, I guess, but I’d rather see him solve crimes in a show where he’s in a speedboat a lot

— I would very much like to explain the concept of the Phillie Phanatic to the entire British royal family 

— LET’S ALL WATCH THE FRENCH SHARK MOVIE

Okay, that’s it for this week. Please share and subscribe and tell Joaquim de Almeida that he’s great.