what I sound like watching the Olympics
"that's classic Loofenhausen"
[turns on the Olympics at 9:45 am]
What the hell is this event?
Why is that guy standing over there?
Is he going to start doing someth-… oh, wait.
Here he goes.
So he’s just going to do that for a while?
I’ll just watch watch for a little before I run to the store.
It’s weird that this is an event that you can get a medal for that counts the same as a medal for, like, being the fastest person alive.
Oh wait.
Oh wow.
HOLY SHIT
THAT WAS THE COOLEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN
[announcer explains why the performance was subpar and a disappointment to an entire nation]
Oh.
Who’s this next guy?
Lars Loofenhausen?
He looks kinda cool.
Oh wow.
Oh, look at him go.
This is… is this incredible?
I THINK THIS IS INCREDIBLE.
[announcer shouts “THAT WAS INCREDIBLE”]
I need to show this to someone else
[calling someone else into the room]
Hey.
HEY
GET IN HERE AND LOOK AT THIS
Wait, hold on. Let me rewind.
Okay, this is Lars.
Look at him go.
Did you see that?
The thing he did with his feet?
That’s classic Loofenhausen.
No, I don’t actually know how the scoring works.
I think you have to stay inside those lines.
[contestant goes way outside the lines, announcer calls it “a brilliant maneuver”]
Hmm.
Okay, I think I’m starting to get this now.
[5 minutes later]
Really nice form there.
[2 minutes after that]
Oh, that’s a deduction.
[3 minutes after that, as a third person walks into the room]
Sit down, you gotta see this.
I don’t have time to explain all the rules to you.
See? See that? Lars Loofenhausen invented that move. Only three people have ever successfully completed it in competition.
Yeah, he’s a legend.
OH SHIT HE FELL
OH WOW
[calls fourth person into the room]
GET IN HERE
HENRIK FELL ATTEMPTING A DOUBLE LOOFENHAUSEN
IT’S CHAOS
Wow.
Well, this will shake up the podium quite a bit.
[shot of Bobby Flay in the crowd]
Yo, Bobby Flay is there?!
Okay, this next guy has a chance to medal now.
He’s gonna need a clean run, though.
Wait, his name is Lars, too?
Well, he’s not as cool as the first Lars, that’s for sure.
[watches five-minute segment about how this Lars lost in the last Olympics in devastating fashion and has been training and rebuilding his entire life for four years to try to redeem himself]
If this guy doesn’t win I will not get out of bed for a week.
Okay…
Okay, that was nice…
Oh wow, he’s really going for it…
Oh shit.
OH SHIT
DID HE…
IS HE…
HOLY SHIT
A TRIPLE LOOFENHAUSEN
[high-fiving and hugging everyone in the room]
HELL YEAH
WOW
THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN
WHAT IS HIS SCORE?
WHY ARE THE JUDGES TAKING SO LONG?
TELL ME THE SCORE
TELL ME THE SC… oh wait, here we go…
YES
YES
WORLD RECORD
OH MY GOD THE OTHER LARS IS HUGGING HIM
THEY’RE FRIENDS
OH MY GOD
[crying a little]
Wow.
What a ride. Good for Lars.
Wow.
That was awesome.
Okay, I need to go out now.
I still need to get milk and bread for tomorr-…
Wait, what’s this next event?
Does that guy have a sword?
Okay, lemme just watch a little…
[15 minutes later]
HOLY SHIT
EVERYBODY GET BACK IN HERE
STUFF I TYPED
— my House of the Dragon Scorecard for Vulture, which sets things up for tonight’s finale
— my Five Spot newsletter, with sections about cocaine sharks and thieving seagulls and Olympic badminton commentary
STUFF I CLICKED ON
— no one is covering the Olympics better than Rodger Sherman
— Scott Tobias did a fun breakdown of Presumed Innocent (the 2024 show starring Jake Gyllenhaal) versus Presumed Innocent (the 1990 movie starring Harrison Ford)
— I loved this blog about the rugby thing, which I was shouting about when I watched it on TV, too
— the gay couple that went viral for an old Supermarket Sweep appearance did an interview about it and the story has the sweetest and wildest twist you can imagine
— Marques Brownlee’s story about a tech scam and the FBI is a supremely compelling nine-minute watch
— deep sea champagne discovery
— the House of the Dragon finale leaked online and HBO is prettyyyy mad about it
— tourists tried to save an ice cream truck that washed out to sea
— I am still so mad that the NBA won’t be on TNT after next year but this is a good blog that explains why
— Canada’s soccer team got busted for drone-related spying in part because they were emailing each other about it (relevant Wire reference here)
— Tom Cruise is going to do something insanely dangerous to end the Olympics, I guess
— Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter are doing Waiting for Godot on Broadway
— “Black Sabbath rocker Geezer Butler claims visiting orb made him psychic”
— “After Days Lost at Sea, They Needed a Pastrami Sandwich”
— here is John Travolta watching women’s gymnastics in Paris while looking like the villain in a movie where Glen Powell has to go to outer space to stop him for some reason
Okay, that’s for this week. Please share and subscribe and watch the Olympics.
I love the enthusiasm of Rodger's sports coverage, similar to your enthusiasm for basically everything. He is the reason I have watched the last three Olympics.
Watching the kayak cross that's new this year, and one of my friends said, "I don't think this one has rules," which as far as I can tell is accurate.