WHY HAVEN'T YOU SEEN THE FALL GUY YET?

EXPLAIN YOURSELF

I’m not mad. I swear I am not mad. I’m just disappointed. That’s all. I’m just very disappointed. And a little mad. Maybe. Probably. I just really do not understand why you haven’t seen The Fall Guy yet. 

Maybe you did. I’m not mad at you, personally. But I am pretty bummed that you, in general, came out in such low numbers that big Hollywood trade publications felt obliged to write articles about how it came up a little short of the already low-ish projections it had for its opening weekend. I do not want to see those. For a lot of reasons. It matters about zero percent to me that a movie makes money for billionaires who wear suits with open-collar dress shirts to various functions where they grumble about economic headwinds. I just care that the movie is good and fun and interesting and original and a cool way to spend two hours some afternoon. But it does matter to those open-collared billionaires. And if they see these kinds of fun movies going kerplunk and getting written up in their favorite magazines about it, they’ll be less inclined to make them. And then we’ll be stuck with the same sequels and superheroes business that has been getting exhausting for a few years now. It’s a rough circle. 

But it’s not that you need to go see this movie out of like charity or some noble cause. It’s a really good time! Ryan Gosling is charming as hell. Emily Blunt carries both the comedic and dramatic moments in a way that made me a little angry she’s not a bigger star. There are cool twists and big action sequences and the soundtrack is so good that it’s practically part of the plot. (Huge shoutout to Phil Collins here, as always.) I would advise you to go see this movie anyway, for you, for a good time. I went on a Monday afternoon and the theater was mostly empty and all of us in there were hooting and hollering. You should have been there with us. I don’t mean that figuratively. I mean that very literally. I would have given you some of the beef jerky I was snacking on. It was a blast.

So this is already a bummer for two reasons, the stupid risk-averse tan executives and the thing where you missed out on a good time at the movies, but it’s also kind of a bummer for Ryan Gosling. This should have been a huge hit for him, a big fun action-comedy the summer after he stole everyone’s hearts as Ken in Barbie. Which would have been great because he’s legitimately terrific in movies like this and I want him to get more cracks at doing them. This is kind of like The Nice Guys all over again. Now I’m definitely mad.

IS RYAN GOSLING DOOMED TO CONTINUE MAKING DELIGHTFUL ACTION-COMEDIES THAT I LOVE BUT ARE SEEN BY ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENTS AS FAILURES?

DO NOT MAKE ME CARE ABOUT MATH

I SWEAR TO GOD

I don’t know. Maybe I’m overthinking this part of it. Ryan Gosling is a handsome millionaire with a goofy little twinkle in his eye and he’s married to Eva Mendes. He’ll be fine. I’m just all worked up about this and lashing out now. 

Matt Singer at ScreenCrush wrote about all of this a few days ago in a piece titled “What The Hell Do People Want Out Of Movies?” that touched on a lot of these same points. His main takeaway was that if a movie like this gets released in a primo early May spot without much competition and it can’t get people to a movie theater, then, like, what are we even doing? This was the thing that stuck with me:

But for some reason, The Fall Guy failing to live up to experts’ already low expectations bummed me out a lot. This is not a “difficult” movie. This is what people tell me they want in a movie. And they didn’t go see it. If something like The Fall Guy can’t bring people out to the theater, what can?

The Fall Guy is a good movie. That should be the main point here. I want you to go see it because I think that if you are the type of person who reads this newsletter then you are also the type of person who will love it. But, unfortunately, we also have to think about those open-collared executives. We need to throw them a bone sometimes so they at least try to give us more cool stuff to watch. Like Ryan Gosling as a stuntman who uncovers a conspiracy and Emily Blunt singing karaoke and everything else that happened in The Fall Guy. A movie that, again, rules. 

I am trying to help here. I am trying to help you and society and me and Ryan Gosling a little bit, too. And all we have to do is drag our butts to a movie theater to see a good movie. If not this one, then the next one. Because if we don’t ever get around to doing it, there might not be too many next ones to drag ourselves to. 

I Need Everyone To See These Pictures Of Michael Chiklis

Okay, this is the trailer for a new show coming to MGM+ called Hotel Cocaine, which already sounds fake on a number of levels but I swear to god it is real. It stars Danny Pino and Michael Chiklis and has an official description and everything. Here, look. 

The Mutiny Hotel becomes the epicenter of the Miami cocaine scene in the late 1970s and early '80s. At the center of it all is general manager Roman Compte, a Cuban exile doing his best to keep it all going and fulfill his own American dream.

Which, I don’t know. Cool? Fine? I just can’t get over the thing where the title of this show is Hotel Cocaine. Or at least I couldn’t get over it until I saw these promo pictures of the character Michael Chiklis plays in this show. Look at this guy.

A few notes: 

• Hat

• Mustache

• General vibe of like a high school senior portrait that an art student had made over his mother’s objection (“CAN YOU JUST DO A NICE ONE FOR NANA, PLEASE?”)

Beautiful. And it gets better. 

A few more things:

• Sunglasses

• Cigar 

• I really hope his character is trying to be an undercover cop here because I have never seen a combination of face and body language that screams “COP” more than everything going on in this picture 

It is all maybe the best use of promotional images for a character on a television show I have seen since Pablo Escobar on Narcos. Yes, I will take this opportunity to post the picture of Pablo grinning like a naughty little boy in front of a mountain of cocaine…

… and the picture of him depressed as all hell on a bench swing…

… if only because I will take almost literally any excuse to post those. But they’re actually relevant here. I looked into Hotel Cocaine a little a few days ago and saw this:

The show hails from Chris Brancato, creator of Narcos and Godfather of Harlem, who has described his new drama as “Casablanca on cocaine.”

Once I figure out exactly what MGM+ is I might need to watch this show. Between Chiklis and “Casablanca on cocaine” I just don’t see how it can be avoided. I’m only so strong. 

STUFF I CLICKED ON

— an incredible blog about an unwanted shelter dog named Miles who became one of the world’s best agility course racers

— Paul Skenes is a rookie pitcher who has a tremendous mustache and a cool story and a 100mph fastball and I have decided to love him

— Nate Bargatze wants to make movies like Home Alone and I support him

— The Best Planet of the Apes Movie That Never Was

— useful and entertaining stuff about the cicadas

— there’s a huge exhibit of hip-hop jewelry at a museum — Biggie’s Jesus piece, Ghostface’s massive eagle bracelet — and I suddenly have an idea for the greatest heist movie ever made

— I must see Thelma at once

— great line by Josh Gondelman about Jerry Seinfeld: “But mostly it seems like you miss being a kid, and that’s not the fault of kids today”

— "Thieves take off with $250K in cash from Atlanta strip club after breaking in through ceiling”

— father and daughter discover some dinosaur bones 

— the dweeb behind the AI article scandal allegedly freaked out so hard about the initial backlash that he slapped the real names of his wife and mom on some of the blogs

— Garfield-themed hotel rooms

— Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson are doing a Cheers podcast 

— Hacks rules

— $2 million baseball card heist

— Jeep smugglers

— thank you to stefapie for introducing me to “ACHOO Syndrome”

— the Phillies broadcast team is chaotic and I love them

— watching John Mulaney’s Netflix show this week reminded me how great Richard Kind is and that reminded me to watch his performance from the Co-op episode of Documentary Now three times in a row

— Eurovision rules and Windows95man should have an Adult Swim show I can watch

Okay, that’s it for this week. Please share and subscribe and go see The Fall Guy.