7 (maybe 8) thoughts about the new Fast & Furious rollercoaster

send me to space or no deal

Well, guess what: There’s a Fast & Furious rollercoaster on the way. It’s coming to Universal Studios in California and will be called Fast & Furious Hollywood Drift. Here are the details via NBC and the Universal Studios press release:

Per Universal Studios Hollywood, the coaster's state-of-the-art ride system is being uniquely designed to "immerse guests within the high-speed Fast & Furious universe. Highlights will include groundbreaking 360-degree rotation of the individual ride vehicles as they rocket along an elaborate track meticulously constructed with sound reduction technology for a breathtaking, superior experience. These attributions will create a seamless sensation of drifting cars as guests spin in motion at furiously fast speeds."

The coaster will also feature franchise accurate theming for its Upper Lot queue entrance. Guests will enter a large, red brick, garage-style structure before settling into the ride vehicles. The ride cars will be modeled after several authentic hero cars featured in the films. 

So, I have seven, possibly eight thoughts here…

ONE: It is kind of funny that the Fast & Furious franchise is just getting a rollercoaster now, in the mid-2020s, over two decades after it started with street races and stolen DVD players, especially since no action franchise maybe ever has been better suited to an amusement park ride. The whole thing is basically a NoS-fueled funhouse tour of the globe and parts of outer space. There should be dozens of Fast & Furious rides at theme parks all over the world. I mean, honestly. What are we doing here, guys?

TWO: It is extremely funny that they are basing this whole ride around the concept of drifting, which was made famous by the third film in the franchise, Tokyo Drift, which features none of the original cast and had to be retrofitted via knots in the space-time continuum to work within the chronology of the franchise as a whole. 

THREE: Here are two ideas for rides that I thought of in the last 30 seconds that would be better than this one:

• A VR thing with a moving car that simulates the stealing of the vault and race through the streets of Rio at the end of Fast Five

• Something that simulates the thing at the end of Furious 7 where Vin Diesel’s car flies between Abu Dhabi skyscrapers while Jason Statham fires a bazooka at him

I really feel like this should be my actual job. 

FOUR: The funniest possible thing to do here given the way the films have played out so far…

• Have a studio employee sit in a seat on the rollercoaster undercover as a regular guest 

• Send him launching out of the seat on the first sharp turn to make everyone think he died, maybe with an explosion or two in the background as the rollercoaster screams ahead

• Have him greet the passengers at the end of the ride and reveal that he landed safely and it was all part of a ruse put in place by Mr. Nobody to ensure their safety

Listen to me. 

FIVE: I can’t get over the sentence at the end of the blockquote up there — “The ride cars will be modeled after several authentic hero cars featured in the films” — because it makes it sound like the cars are sentient and the ones saving the day and it all opens up the idea of a Fast & Furious/Transformers crossover where Dominic Toretto drives Optimus Prime over the Grand Canyon or something. 

SIX: Now that I typed all of that out I kind of can’t believe it hasn’t happened already. I would love to see Ludacris and Tyrese interact with talking alien cars. 

SEVEN: When this ride ends, everyone should exit the coaster and be led to a huge patio area where a hologram Vin Diesel serves burgers and Coronas and says “Welcome to the Family.”

Okay, that’s all. I thought maybe there might be an eighth thing where I talk about how dumb it was that the last movie ended on a cliffhanger where Reacher shot Ludacris’s airplane out of the sky and Jason Momoa tried to murder Vin Diesel by blowing up a whole dam and Gal Gadot popped up in a damn arctic submarine after dying five full movies ago but I can save that for another time. Or just yell it at strangers in the parking lot of Smashburger. Either way, Universal Studios, for the love of God, call me. I can do so much for you. 

A fun wedding

allielizabethphoto

A post shared by @allielizabethphoto

Two things happened last week in New Jersey. Actually, no. That’s not true. A lot of things happened in New Jersey last week. But only two things I need to talk about here. The first was that Guy Fieri was in town doing Guy Fieri things with a camera crew following him. The second was that a couple got married nearby and yupppppp Guy Fieri crashed their wedding. 

NJ.com has the full story on it but I need to share a few of the highlights.

The new bride slugged some tequila, which Fieri was in town promoting, straight from the bottle. The live reel included the caption “Another happy couple in Flavortown Chapel!!”

I need you to picture this…

It is the year 2074. This couple is having a big party for their 50th anniversary. Their grandson — 19 years old, college freshman, bored but attending on a Saturday because his mom made him — is flipping through their wedding album and sees a picture of his sweet nana in her wedding dress chugging tequila from a bottle with a man who looks and dresses exactly like Guy Fieri.

Now picture the grandson asking his nana what was happening.

Now picture her explaining the entire concept of Guy Fieri to this deeply confused you man.

I cannot stop giggling.

The wedding photographer, Alli Rockafellow said she was trying to get the wedding party together for a group photo when she heard someone from Fieri’s team say “we should get a pic with this guy!”

Two notes here:

• This rules

• [Guy Fieri voice] Alli Rockafellow

Moving on.

“My back was towards him so as he ran into the picture, my brides father, Larry Falcone, ran up [and] was the first to welcome him over into the group,” Rockafellow said Saturday. “Everyone saw him as he ran over and they were jumping up and down with excitement.”

I need one of you to get married and invite me just for the longshot chance that this happens to us, too. I need this story in my quiver for future small talk. Right now the best I have is “I met Kelis at the afterparty of a Britney Spears concert in like 2004 because my buddy knew a guy who knew a girl who got us into the VIP section of the club.” Which is good. But I’ve been dining out on that for 20 years. Time to freshen it up.

STUFF I CLICKED ON

— the NBA Playoffs are in full swing (we are not talking about my beloved Sixers, thank you) and this interview with Inside the NBA host Ernie Johnson is another good reminder that Ernie rules

— good blog about the return of the home page

— good interview with Shogun star Hiroyuki Sanada, who seems like a good dude

— last week I linked to a blog about how restaurant reservations are impossible to get now but it turns out… maybe not so much???

— I guess Dave & Buster’s does gambling now, which feels like it sucks

— I liked this thing about Dua Lipa by Nora Princiotti because a lot of pop stars now seem to use “Enter the Discourse” as part of their album rollout while Dua Lipa is just like “hey here are some more relentlessly catchy songs about dancing,” which is kind of cool

— let me be the editor of the New Yorker (I will do a good job)

— a big long thing about how The Rock is allegedly a huge diva who never shows up anywhere on time

— Nike screwed up the MLB uniforms so bad that the damn Wall Street Journal had to write about it

— lol Barbra

— golf cart heist

— good post

— bees

— more bees

— “Monkey gangs continue to terrorize Thailand”

— “4 Zebras Broke Free on a Highway. A Rodeo Clown Stepped In.”

— “Just A Long List of Stuff That Brian Cox Hates”

— Yakuza member arrested for stealing Pokemon cards 

— learned a lot about a fish that has a see-through skull!

Okay, that’s all. Please share and subscribe and invite me and Guy Fieri to your wedding.