a brief conversation with a political commercial

please stop yelling at me

ANNOUNCER: … and that’ll bring the first quarter to a close with the Eagles down 31-3. We’ll be back after a short break.

[NFL music fades out, commercial begins]

HEY

oh no

DO YOU LOVE AMERICA

i mean, sure

WELL TOO BAD

oh god

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO HELL

well, i was just at Wendy’s and things seemed ok th-…

LOOK AT THIS OUT-OF-CONTEXT CLIP WE FOUND AND GAVE A SCARY FILTER TO

okay, i don’t think that gives the full at-

THEY JUST WON’T STOP LYING

please stop yelli-

THESE CAREER POLITICIANS ARE OUT OF CONTROL

look, i don’t care for politicians much either but there’s something to be said for experie-

YOUR FAMILY IS GOING TO DIE

what

LOOK AT THIS GRAINY BLACK-AND-WHITE FOOTAGE WE FOUND

okay but what is that supposed to b-

SCARY MUSIC

what does this have to do with my fami-

GAS PRICES

hold on

THE TROOPS

one minute h-

BARK BARK BARK

wait was that a dog?

ANGRY DOGS IN THE STREETS

oh ok

COMMUNISM

what

OR FASCISM

hang on

BOTH

i think you might be losing the plot a little h-

HEY

[sighs] what

DO YOU LIKE MONSTER TRUCKS

… sure

WELL THEY’RE GOING TO TAKE THEM AWAY

who is?

THESE PEOPLE ARE DANGEROUS, BRIAN

wait how do you know my n-

BECAUSE THEY HATE AMERICA

is this really your platform?

MAYBE

i think there are more important things to focus on right n-

CRIME IS UP

is it though?

PROBABLY

what are you trying to do here buddy?

JUST TELL ME WHAT TO SAY

what

WHAT DO YOU HATE

i… i guess i don’t like when my neighbor mows his grass at 8am on the weekend but…

WELL THEY ARE GOING TO MAKE THAT THE LAW

what are y-

EVERYONE WILL HAVE TO MOW THEIR LAWN AT DAWN

i don’t see how that is even enforc-

THEY ARE GOING TO GIVE EVERYONE LOUDER LAWNMOWERS

can you stop

MONSTER TRUCK LAWNMOWERS

okay, first of all, that actually sounds cool, but i thought they were going to ban monster trucks?

THEY FLIP-FLOPPED AGAIN

jesus christ 

IS THIS THE AMERICA YOU WANT

i could certainly do without these commercials

EVERYONE IS GOING TO STARVE AND BE MURDERED

ugggghhhh

AMERICA IS BEAUTIFUL INCORPORATED PAID FOR THIS ADVERTISEMENT

STUFF I TYPED

— Slow Horses Incompetence Index for Vulture, which I am probably having too much fun with

— my Five Spot newsletter, which opens with Batman and also features a section on a potential feud between Martha Stewart and Ina Garten

STUFF I CLICKED ON

— here’s a great blog about why the original pilot episode of Miami Vice absolutely shredded

— Ryan Nanni and Steven Godfrey are doing a podcast called Who Killed College Football? and you subscribe to that sucker right here

— Kathryn Hahn rules

— Shohei Otani also rules

— big blog about the new superhero-satirizing show from the creator of Veep

— an update to last week’s newsletter: Richard Kind is still doing great

@interviewmag“Anything for my art.” 🧀 #richardkind samples a variety of cheeses at @Zabar’s for our September issue at the link in bio.

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— Swedish Marvel fans are having a great time for very silly reasons, which I approve of completely

— DETROITERS IS COMING TO NETFLIX

— Spanish pineapples of love

—David Letterman had more fun at jury duty than most people have at a waterpark

— 2 Passion 2 Christ

— “Grape Spill Causes Traffic Jam”

— the deep-sea biotwang mystery has been solved 

— there are an unreasonable amount of black holes out there

— [Zack de la Rocha voice] squirrels on the train

— I would absolutely watch a Meg sequel with this real plot from the books

— they debunked the Blue Zones

— I love Pesto very much

That’s all for this week. Please share and subscribe and stop shouting at me.