The Paralympics start this week, on Wednesday the 28th, in Paris. This is exciting. To me, at least. And I’m going to try to get you excited about it, too, right here, because the Paralympics rules. Yes, I say this in part as a disabled person — C4 spinal cord injury, power wheelchair, etc. — who loves things that raise the profile of other disabled people doing outrageously cool stuff, but I also say it as someone who loves watching sports and loves watching the Olympics and gets very intense about events and competitors I barely knew about when I turned the television on 10 minutes earlier. If you enjoyed that part of the Olympics a few weeks ago, too, buddy, you just might be into the Paralympics as well.
Take, for example, the table tennis competition. Table tennis is already wild, with people whipping shots back and forth at speeds that seem impossible. This is still true at the Paralympics, but also, there are competitors like Ibrahim Hamadtou who lost both of his arms in a train accident and now plays while holding the paddle in his mouth. He’s featured prominently in this highlight reel from the 2016 games, which I include to show you how he does it but also because one lady also makes an incredible diving shot that made me gasp when I saw it.
Are you hyped yet? Are you getting there? Well, if not, consider this next…
Here is a video highlighting a Paralympian named David Smith, a British man with multicolored hair who is known as the King of Boccia.
ON ONE HAND: This rules and I am now very excited to watch this event on Peacock when it airs, just to see how he and the other competitors do in a full event.
ON THE OTHER HAND: I am now vibrating with rage that I went to law school after my spinal cord injury instead of investing hundreds of hours into mastering a sport like this. I could have a gold medal instead of a stupid law degree! I could have a few of them! Maybe! Or maybe I would have gotten my ass whooped by David at every event and developed a lifelong nemesis. Either way, a win-win for me, a person who loves winning and having a nemesis. I am now considering setting aside the next four years to practice this event and try out for the 2028 games in Los Angeles. I am barely joking.
You’re pumped now, yes? I hope so. And if you’re at all worried about not understanding the events or how they work, we have you covered there, too. The Paralympics YouTube channel has a slew of animated explainers that break all of them down. Here’s one on Sitting Volleyball that I found fascinating.
I need to be clear about one thing before I wrap this up: I am not saying all of this to try to guilt you into watching the Paralympics. I can’t speak for the entire disabled community but that kind of pity/guilt/”awwwww” thing makes me puke, almost as much as the weepy “inspirational” stories you see about a dude just, like, living and trying to be cool about it. I’m pointing this out and getting all amped about it because it rules. I love seeing anyone compete at the top of their field. I love when they blast through some obstacles to do it. That’s the stuff that makes sports cool. So if I can combine that with a nice little public reminder that people with disabilities can also be hypercompetitive maniacs who will devote their lives to winning medals for games you play at a barbecue, then great.
Let’s go.
STUFF I TYPED
— my Five Spot newsletter, which opens with a free section about the coolest local news segment I have ever seen
— a blog for Vulture about how Apple TV is having a very beach-read summer between Presumed Innocent and Bad Monkey, two B+ shows I’m having a blast with lately
STUFF I CLICKED ON
— Kelsey McKinney wrote about fandom and the internet and Chappell Roan and I really think we all need to make an effort to be a little more normal online
— I will always be fascinated by the dynamics within The Fugees and Lauryn Hill’s relentless inability to be anywhere on time so, yes, I read the interview with Pras
— Why Does Every Netflix Show Look The Same?
— Sopranos doc comin’
— Halle Berry says Pierce Brosnan “restored her faith in men” which is kind of like a reverse heist of faith in a way
— Martin Shkreli has to give back the copies he made of that Wu-Tang album he bought (shoutout once again to Juror 59)
— Disney’s lawyers tried to weasel out of a trial by arguing the husband of a woman who died of an allergic reaction had agreed to arbitration in the fine-print of a Disney Plus free trial and everyone on the internet yelled at them so much that they reversed course, which is both awful and something that would’ve made a killer plot in episode of The Good Wife
— Danny Jansen is going to make history via technicality by playing for both teams in the same baseball game
— everyone got very excited about Michael Caine’s “Batman Begin” tweet but I still think this is his best
— Timothy Olyphant and Owen Wilson are making a golf comedy (???)
— Jack Black and Paul Rudd might be starring in an Anaconda reboot (???) … (?????????????)
— a lady caught package thieves by mailing herself an AirTag
— “Woman arrested at Indiana Applebee's after argument over 'All You Can Eat' deal”
— “Man jailed for impersonating Miami Springs pizzeria, delivering disgusting pies, police say”
— turns out you can’t just disguise meth as crappy watermelons and smuggle them across the border
— some weirdo spent $600k to buy the fedora that Indiana Jones wore
— I love this sign war and the terrible puns the reporter makes about it
Okay, that’s all for this week. Please share and subscribe and get amped for the Paralympics.