some pretty good fake names i thought of
gus balloons
Clunk Waffleman
Ned Cheddar
Lucious Plopps
Roxy Spritzer
Dr. Sangria Fishbowl
Vladimir Daquiri
Veronica Stormclouds
Nico Miami
Kiki Orlando
Pete St. Tampa
Detective Linda Droops
Ricky Walnuts
Merv Cashew
Pecans Valdez
Becky Lagoon
Puck LeTongg
Rico Indictment
June Dubloon
Wally Swarms
Junior Seniorson
Zelda Cashmere
Sasha Plush
Freddy Jackpot
Imax Blades
Ulysses Kickflip
Gus Balloons
Neptune Parade
Raul Pudd
Polly Darton
Kimmy Jimmel
Hopp Radisson
Ritz Carlton
Carl Ritzton
Supreme Court Justice Boz Columbo
Penny Nickels
Ernie Fabulous
Lucille Wiggles
Quack Duckman
STUFF I TYPED
— uhhhhhhhh I didn’t write anything this week because of the holiday but here’s the thing I wrote a few years ago about The Muppet Christmas Carol, which I share today both because Christmas season is here for real and because more movies — updated versions of classic stories, sure, but also movies where Jason Statham punches a series of goons in the throat — should be narrated by these guys
STUFF I CLICKED ON
— you fools, you created an orca mosh pit
— let’s all go to Flavortown Fest
— my buddy Jason interviewed Clive Owen
— I’m sorry but I am 30 or 40 years old and I’m gonna need at least a week to process “Bell Biv DeVoe performed Poison with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on a float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade”
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— “Clay Shortage” would have been a good fake name for that list I made
— Uh Oh: Netflix Exec Seen Enjoying Book Series That You Love
— my promise to you: if a news story features a URL that includes taco-bell-holiday-party-involved-open-sex-vomit-in-the-guac-bowl-lawsuit I will post it here
— I watched the Lucy Liu fight scene from Kill Bill maybe 10 times this week
Two notes in conclusion:
There was a long line at Starbucks on Friday and I was just gonna leave but a sweet lady named Nancy who was at the front of the line asked me what I wanted and ordered it for me and wouldn’t let me pay and told me all about her grandkids while we waited for our lattes, so… yeah, big shoutout to Nancy
Been eating pie with my hands like slices of pizza lately and I feel okay about it
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The problem with eating pie like a slice of pizza (pie) is that many pie crusts aren't structurally sound-enough to support the filling for that long. You're lucky if it holds together well enough to get the slice to your plate. My compliments to your baker.
Also, now I want a piece on the reaction to you doing this with a slice of cheesecake at The Cheesecake Factory.
Nico Miami is a former college football star who was disgraced in a cheating scandal his first couple years in the NFL. He now works as a private eye operating out of a seedy roadside motel at the edge of the Everglades.
His trusty compatriots are June Dubloon and Puck LaTongg. They care for Nico, but they always tease him by giving fake names like Kiki Orlando and Pete St Tampa whenever the job requires it.
Nico is carrying a torch for June but because of the cheating scandal and related general shitheel feelings, he doesn't think he's worthy of her.
Nico Miami, PI airs Wednesday nights on USA.